How to win by losing tennis – for mothers apart from children

In all the excitement at Wimbledon these past couple of weeks (thanks to Andy Murray for giving it his all), I’ve been reminded of how easy it is to get locked into playing emotional ball games.  Perhaps you’re familiar with backwards and forwards, to-ing and fro-ing behaviour with someone else that usually involves a provocation, an insult or a sarcastic jibe.  For example, your knee jerk response – which you later regret – to:

• An unnecessarily rude text from your ex partner following a misunderstanding about when you were supposed to take your child to his house.
• Your child calling her stepmother, “Mum/Mom”.
• A work colleague exclaiming “How could she!” on hearing that a woman in finance left her family home to be with another man.
• Your father’s sarcastic comment about the long grass and weeds in your garden

and so on.

How to lose the game but win the match

If you’re aware of finding yourself playing emotional ball with someone, why not try the following 5 steps to lose the game but win the match:

1. Imagine you’re in Centre Court.  Face your challenger head on.  Pause and breathe.  Observe their stance – what does it tell you?  Is there a deliberate intent to cause hurt or maliciousness?  Are they hitting out through ignorance, lack of experience or because they’re too young to know better (your child perhaps).
2. Watch the provoking behaviour or comment – coming towards you.  Use your mind to slow it down and roll words up into a manageable tennis ball size.
3. Stand still and relaxed in your half of the court.
4. See the ball fly past your left or right side.
5. Turn and leave the court in a dignified manner.  Without a word, calmly walk away.  Be prepared for a possible barrage of balls as sometimes opponents don’t like it when you stop playing the game.  Remember, even saying, “I’m not going to play ball”, is playing ball.

 What to do if you’ve already returned the ball:

1. It’s never too late to stop playing even the longest running emotional ball game.  If you stop, your challenger will eventually give up when you’re no longer willing to play.
2. Sit quietly and close your eyes.
3. In your mind, press the Hawk-Eye button for an action replay.
4. Then follow steps 3 to 5 above.

Remember that practice makes perfect so do keep at it throughout the year.  Finally, there isn’t any prize money for the winner – there’s something much more valuable and long lasting than £850 000:  the priceless emotional, physical and spiritual reward of calm, dignity and peace of mind.

 

Until next time, take care.

Warmly,

Sarah

Mothers apart from children facing and challenging guilt

Who I am is what I have to give.  Quite simply, I must remember that’s enough.

                                                                        Anne Wilson Schaef

Reading about loss and grief of bereaved parents recently, I came across the research of Miles and Demi* who categorised five types of guilt that bereaved parents may experience. I was struck by how these five types mirror the feelings of mothers apart.  

The first is cultural guilt.  Society expects parents to be guardians of their children and take care of them.  Not to be in a position to do so affronts this social expectation. Causal guilt is the second type – a parent feels responsible for the death of their child through real or perceived negligence.  Moral guilt is when a parent feels that their loss was due to a moral wrongdoing in their present or earlier life, like a terminated pregnancy.  Survival guilt occurs when a parent agonises, “Why did my child die and I am still alive?” Finally, there’s recovery guilt.  As a parent begins to move through their grief and get on with their lives they feel like that they are dishonouring their child and that society judges them.

Some mothers apart have experienced the isolating agony of actual bereavement, some the living bereavement of separation whilst others still, know the despair of both.  Understanding that feelings of guilt connected to loss are multi-layered and broad reaching can help us find positive ways of facing up to and moving on from unhealthy beliefs and assumptions about guilt. 

As a counsellor who works with mothers apart from their children, I hear a lot about guilt.  Many women persecute themselves believing they are at fault. “If only I hadn’t done such and such…” or “I feel to blame because I said or didn’t say this or that”.  We feel we have let our children down.  That who we are and the degree to which we can mother from afar isn’t enough.

Here are some tips to help you challenge and assess any guilt you may feel:

• Understand the function of guilt.  Guilt lets us know then our conscious is operating.  It acts as our internal barometer and it can guide us to face up to reality, find solutions to problems, make amends, to right a wrong.
• Take courage and face your sense of guilt head on.  Talk your feelings through with someone you trust to assess your level of responsibility.  Reality check your guilt.  In my experience, mothers apart from children blame themselves, forgetting that it takes two to make or break a relationship – whether that be an ex partner or an adult child. If you are a victim of PAS make sure you accept deep down, that it is not your fault.
• Be aware of self punishing behaviour.  To decide to end a marriage is a life choice, not an unforgivable sin.  We make some choices and others are made for us.  Sometimes we think we made a choice when the reality is that there were very few options open to us at the time – we didn’t have the information, insight, strength or resources.  If you left an abusive relationship, thank goodness you got out, you survived.
• When appropriate, make amends but be mindful.  Amends shouldn’t be made when prompted by fear, because of what others think or to try to manipulate.  Check the appropriateness of making amends and what you say, particularly to children.  Get a balanced view from a trusted person first.
• Take courage and examine your guilt.  Is it masking other feelings such as anger or making you avoid other emotions, like grief and loss.  Please get professional help if you need it.  Feel free to call or e-mail me to discuss how I could help and support you through telephone counselling.  Failure to resolve guilty feelings can lead to depression, feeling stuck and relationship problems.

If I had a magic wand to take away the guilt of mothers apart from children I would wave it straight away.  As I don’t, please tell yourself the following on a regular basis:  “I cannot make up for something I think I haven’t done or have done wrong by making myself feel guilty.”

Take good care of yourself.

*Miles, M. S., & Demi, A comparison of guilt in bereaved parents whose children died by suicide, accident or chronic disease, Omega (1991)

A Mother’s Day message for mothers apart from their children

For mothers living apart from their children, one of the hardest things about Mother’s Day is it’s inevitability.  It comes without fail, every year, on a Sunday when most of us don’t have to work and at a time of year when spring hasn’t been here long enough to lift any winter blues we might be experiencing. 

 

Mother’s day can feel inescapable, unavoidable – another ‘should’ day.  The society we live in makes us believe that we should be spoilt by our children, that we’re not a worthy mother unless they do.  Retailers and restaurants make us feel like we should have money spent on us – flowers, chocolates, Sunday lunch – and that the amount our children (and husband) spend on us, is equal to the amount we are loved by them.

 

As mothers apart our ‘should’ day might translate to:  Our ex or child’s carer should make sure that she/he spends the day with us, our child should give us a present or at the very least, buy or make us a card.  Our child should make a fuss of us or be civil to us or, in some cases, should at least speak to us.

 

When we focus on what should happen we shift the emphasis from ourselves to external factors.   We hand over our power to other people.  Our happiness is dependent on other peoples’ moods and behaviour.

 

If you feel you’re heading for a ‘should’ day, how about making this Mother’s Day a ‘could’ day?

 

A ‘could’ day is one of possibility, a time for you to choose what you do how you do it and with whom (if anyone) you decide to share it with.

 

Start by reminding yourself that none of us has control over anyone else and that includes our children.  We cannot force our child to stay with us this weekend or visit us on Sunday.  We cannot make them phone, text, chat to or email us.  

 

Then think about what you could do on Sunday.  Here are some ‘I coulds’ to get you thinking or planning:

 

I could…

 plan something in advance so that I know exactly what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, what I’m going to wear and what I’m going to eat on Mother’s day.  I could also plan to change my mind, if I felt like it.

 

I could…

 wake up on Mother’s Day and be completely spontaneous and give myself permission to do anything I feel like, taking each moment as it comes.

 

I could…

go shopping for my spring/summer wardrobe.  Whether I buy a pair of killer heels or soft, leather sandals, a flowing dress, harem trousers or sharp tailoring, I will buy what pleases me and makes me feel great.

 

I could…

ask someone who cares about me to give me a hug and hold me until I want to let go.

I could…

make a delicious meal and eat it slowly and savour every bite.

 

I could…

go to a park or for a country stroll and see the new growth – daffodils, crocus  and wood anemones – or ride a bike along a canal tow path or a walk on a beach.

 

I could…

 allow myself to cry freely without fear or judgement, without listening to any critical internal voice that says “Don’t be self pitying”, or “You don’t deserve any better”,  and then make myself a warm drink and sit quietly until I feel calm again.  (One condition for this one:  Please think about getting some counselling if you are frightened by your feelings or if you know that you are very judgemental of yourself).

 

I could…

plan a duvet day with a good book or the Sunday papers or a pile of magazines or all three.

 

I could…

 just for today, let others be themselves, make their own choices, knowing that they are on their own life journey.

 

I could…

light a candle to symbolise the fact that I am a mother, a rite of passage that no one can take away from me.

 

Mother’s day is for mothers.  Please remember that you are a mother whether or not you’re in contact with your child, no matter what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future. 

 

Whatever you decide to do, please bear in mind that Mother’s Day will pass, like all days. 

 

I hope that a ‘should’ day becomes a ‘could’ day for you.

 

Wishing you serenity and joy this spring.

 

Mothers apart from children: how to make the most of 2009

The first month of 2009 is almost over.  Did you make any new year’s resolutions? If so, have you stuck to them?  Sometimes, if you are ready, it is possible to start a new year by resolving not to do this or to start doing that, but research carried out by psychologist, Professor Richard Wiseman showed that only one in ten of us will succeed.

 

This isn’t a reason to feel gloomy or give up – I believe it just takes a different approach.  A gentle one – that isn’t dictated to us by an unforgiving, critical internal voice many mothers apart from their children struggle with. 

 

Here are some suggestions for making the most of 2009:

 

Start by reflecting on what works well in your life.  Make time for a break with a cuppa, pen and a note pad.  Write your lists of positives, including things that you’ve worked hard to achieve, things that are resolving themselves over the passage of time and where you think you just got lucky.  Sometimes our gifts are so well wrapped we have difficulty seeing them as such.  As you reflect and unwrap yourself, you can unwrap each gift.  Appreciate yourself. You’ve allowed these successes, however big or small to happen in your life. Acknowledgement creates potentiality.

 

Choose change and do it slowly.  It’s never too late to re-examine our choices.  Re-examination is wise.  We always have choices, knowing this is empowering.   Ask yourself:  What will make me feel better? What is in my best interests?  If you’re feeling low or knocked back by life, start incrementally, to build your confidence.  Even going to bed a half an hour earlier to read more or sleep longer, or getting up earlier to avoid rushed mornings, eat a proper breakfast, do yoga or Tai Chi – can make a big difference.  Little changes build confidence for bigger challenges. 

 

If you’d like to end a damaging habit that is physical – like smoking or compulsive eating, or emotional – like reacting angrily, judgementally or sinking into a depression ; ask yourself what this action or feeling is doing or you, what the payoff to this behaviour is?  For example, working too hard can protect us from feeling loss and loneliness.  Smoking or eating might be a way of drawing in and holding on to anger.  An angry outbursts or self criticism could be masking our need to grieve.  Self awareness – knowing the payoff – is the first step to choosing a different way. 

 

Do something completely different – belly dancing, buy a drum set, walk Hadrian’s Wall, ice skating, learn Italian, become a platinum blond, read poetry in public, do a high ropes course, patchwork quilt making or anything else under the sun. Notice any resistance you feel.  Who says you can’t?  Even something as simple as buying a lipstick in a colour you’ve never worn before can enliven you.  Something different invigorates, gets us thinking, makes us laugh!  

 

Interestingly, Dr Wiseman’s research showed that women were more likely to keep their resolutions when they told friends and family about them and gained support.  Although sharing our hopes, fears, longing and problems can seem like a risk – especially if you’re feeling pain, guilt and low self worth – reaching out, connecting with others and asking for help when you need it is a strength not a weakness.  

 

Spring is in the wings, the Snowdrops are out so why not go on a walk to look for some.  Snowdrops are said to symbolise hope and consolation – a soothing gift of nature, just for you.

Peaceful wishes to non-resident mothers

Knowing that Christmas and the no man’s land between the 24th December and New Year can be a difficult time for mothers living apart from their children, I’d like to share a few thoughts and coping strategies with you.

Listen to what you really need
Whatever is happening around you, whether it’s busy, too quiet, whether you’re feeling stressed or lonely – try taking some time to be still for a while. Sit and breathe steadily, close your eyes and relax your body. Be aware of any feelings of loss, hurt, anger or other mixed feelings. Ask the part of yourself who takes care of you – your inner wise woman – this question:

“What is the best Christmas present I can give myself?”

Try not to analyse or think to hard about it – listen for an instinctive response.
Perhaps you need to keep busy and involve yourself in helping other people.
Maybe you need time to be out nature, taking in the fresh air – alone or with others.
It could be that the best gift is to pamper yourself in a warm, fragrant bath by candlelight and with soothing music. Or maybe curl up on the sofa with a good book and a box of chocolates.
What you need in the morning might not be what you need at night. There is no wrong or right. Try to release yourself from shoulds and oughts. Trust yourself to know what you need.

If you’re not in contact with your child
If you don’t have contact with your child right now, why not try a symbolic act of remembering her or him and more importantly, to acknowledge the fact that you are the mother of your child? You could light a candle, release some sky lanterns or a helium balloon. Creating and adding to a memory box – a card or memento – can feel painful but try to assure yourself that your tears and painful feelings will pass. The release and sense of being ‘real’ and connected can help you feel better than trying to forget or deny your loss. Above all, be gentle with yourself. All we have is the moment we live in. Painful moments pass and no one knows what the future holds.

If you are in contact with your child
If you have contact with your child this Christmas, why not make a conscious effort to remember ‘good enough’ mothering. This holds true even if some of your children life permanently with you. Over compensating is a trap for mothers apart, whether their children are young or adults. Forget perfection, it doesn’t exist. At this time of giving, remind yourself to give ‘just enough’ – not too little but not too much either. This is goes for both material exchanges (presents) and emotional exchanges. Don’t be driven by guilty feelings to do or give too much. Check in with yourself: Does this feel reasonable? At what point would it start to feel unreasonable to me? Am I trying to buy love or forgiveness? Where is my ‘resentment figure’?

Just love them
No matter how hard your relationship with your child feels right now – just love them – whether they are near or far. Just love them. By so doing, you affirm your status of mother within yourself. ‘Just loving them’ can be a very powerful action as nobody can deny you your ability to love and ultimately, by allowing love to fill our hearts we expand our capacity to love others. You never lose what you give to love.

Wishing you serenity and peace this Christmas time,

Sarah

Short documentary about mothers apart from children

Along with several others, I will be appearing in a short, eight minute mini documentary about mothers living apart from their children tonight, 22 October –  BBC 1 TV “Inside Out”, Wednesday,7.30pm. It may be viewed on the internet if you live outside London, for a week.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/london/

Normalisation of non resident mothers

Last week, The Centre for Separated Families hosted a conference, “Putting Children First”.  About 200 organisations, policy makers and charities who work in the field of supporting separated families, attended.  The conference was opened by two high profile speakers – Stephen Geraghty, Commissioner for Child Maintenance and Anthony Douglas CBE, CEO of Cafcass.  I was very pleased to be there and take part by running a workshop on non resident mothers called ‘Secrets, lies and the loss of lullabies: Exploring the stereotype of mothers living apart from their children’, as well as being part of the panel during a Q & A session.

 

Having done a lot of awareness raising lately, I was struck by the difference in people’s interest in non resident mothers at the conference.  They really wanted to understand what makes the experience of living apart from a child different for women.  Perhaps it’s because many of the delegates work with separating parents and know that there are increasing numbers of women living apart from children.  Whatever the reason, this open curiosity and willingness to understand instead of judge or sensationalise was refreshing.  It gave me hope.  It was heartening to be in an environment where the welfare of children, women and men was of importance – as a co-parenting family unit and as individuals within a family.  It was promising to hear others calling for the normalisation of the status of non resident mothers too, for us to be gender aware.  As separated parents we are very importantly but quite simply mothers and fathers to our children, working together in the ebb and flow of co-parenting, as the needs of our children change.

Time and hope are my friends

A woman who lives apart from her children, told me recently that time and hope are her friends.  Prevented from having contact with her children by her ex, this courageous mother does everything in her power to stay in contact from a distance, despite a hostile reception.

 

As a mother apart, perhaps you’ve had experience of someone saying, “I don’t know how you cope!”  I can remember the shocked response of some people when I told them that my daughter lived in South Africa with her father.   A few said that they’d never agree to such an arrangement or be able deal with it.  Of course, we can all have this kind of reaction to a lot of difficult situations and hardships that life throws at us.  From the outside looking in, we imagine we’d collapse under the burden of loss, disability, violence, injustice, discrimination, not knowing and untruths  – but quite incredibly, many people who face  all kinds of suffering are able to draw on an inner strength in order to cope.

 

As mothers living apart from our children we are called upon to face up to and manage particularly painful and complex challenges:  the loss of everyday motherhood in a society that stigmatises and stereotypes us unnatural, unfit or abandoning, at times.

 

Knowing that we aren’t the only one, that we don’t need to chastise ourselves, drown in guilt, hide our status in shame will help us heal damaged self-esteem and gain confidence as women who live apart from our children.  Being a mother isn’t a job, it’s part of our identity and in that sense, we are and always will be mother to our children.   Accepting this can help ease our urgency and pain.  Motherhood is forever and we are in it for the long haul.  If the relationship between you and your children is difficult, long distance or non-existent, please hold on… intently but lightly.  We don’t know what the future holds.  Please pace yourself and know that time and hope are your friends too.

Mothers apart from children believing they are to blame

 

My daughter, her husband and my little grand daughter have now gone back to their home in South Africa, after spending a wonderful holiday with us.  It rained for most of the time when they were here but it didn’t matter too much.  I’m sure that many mothers apart will know that it’s the little things – the incidental, funny, silly, spontaneous moments that you gather up into your internal memory chest to savour over, months and years later, when you’re in the bath or on a walk..rather than perfect days out.

 

Shortly after they left, I gave a talk at the MATCH (mothers who live apart from their children) AGM.  It was a wonderful experience for me.  The best thing about being in a group of mothers apart is that you can relax and be very real, without fear of judgement.  One of the things I spoke about was the common challenge most mothers apart face, the automatic response of thinking we are to blame.  For example, if your child isn’t doing well at school – you tell yourself it’s because you’re not a full time mum, if your child is fearful or anxious – it’s because you left the family home, if your adult child appears grumpy or angry – it must be because of the damage she received, growing up apart from you.  The list of our overarching responsibility for most things negative our children appear to struggle with or suffer, is endless. 

 

Telling ourselves it’s our fault keeps us feeling guilty, bad and sad.  It doesn’t serve anybody if we are burdened with negative feelings about ourselves.  Feeling over responsible or guilty won’t turn back the clock or make amends when they are due.  The way forward for everyone’s sake is to reality check the situation from a position of neutrality, not high emotion. Calm yourself – take time out. Assume nothing.  Ask what you could do to help your child at school, try to find out the cause of your child’s anxiety or fear, ask why she or he is appears to be grumpy.  Even if you aren’t able to help directly, separating your feelings from those of your child will help you and them.  Each of us has to find our way in the world – however hard our upbringing. No one can live our life for us and learn the lessons of life for us – and that’s true for your child too.

ABC National Radio, Life Matters talk-back on A Mother Apart

At midnight last night I took part in an Australian national radio phone, ABC National Radio, Life Matters (A Mother Apart) on the topic of my book, A Mother Apart and the challenges facing mothers  living apart from their children.  I was rather apprehensive as I was really tired and doing a one hour talk back at midnight with a woolly head isn’t my idea of being on the ball!  Despite not being as coherent as I would have liked (don’t you just love the part of us that likes to point out what we didn’t do so well ) – I was pleasantly surprised by the presenter, Richard Aedy’s sensitive approach and some really insightful and accepting attitudes from callers talking about their experience.  I spoke about the stigma and stereotype of ‘abandoning’ and ‘unfit mother’ as well as the feelings of guilt and shame that so many mothers apart feel.  We had a couple of dads who were accepting of their ex’s decision to choose to be a non custodial parent.  We also had a few very brave mothers apart who told their stories, including one mum who felt it was in her son’s best interests to live with his father in another country, as this is what he wanted half way through his childhood.  I was really impressed with her open door, open heart attitude.  I was such a good environment to talk about the importance of co-parenting without competing, putting our differences to one side and working at communicating well, for the sake of our children.

 

Part of my weariness is because I’ve been working my socks off to get my work life in order and my home sorted before my daughter arrives from South Africa tomorrow.  I can’t wait to see her, my little 3 year old granddaughter and my son-in-law.  They will be staying with us for three weeks.  I know that I am truly blessed to have the relationship I have with my daughter, despite her having grown up with her father, thousands of miles away.  What’s worked for me has been to stay in touch, to let her know I love her and miss her throughout the years.  We’ve had some difficult moments to be sure!  But amazingly, it’s been those times that have made me stronger.  As hard as they were, I was, over time, able to convert my pain and despair into an energy boost for the mother inside me, renewing my determination to hold on, keep loving no matter what.         

 

So it’s goodbye for a little while.  I’ll be back after my family holiday.  If you are a mother apart, please remember to take outrageously good care of yourself.  You’re no good to anyone else unless you do.  Yes, and I’ll remember to take a dose of my own medicine too!