Last Saturday, in The Weekend Guardian, I read a very moving story of a woman whose mother left the family home when she was 7 years old, called ‘My mother deserted me’. It takes a huge amount of courage to put pen to paper and very publically, revisit a trauma which happened over fifty years ago.  I hope the writer found it a cathartic experience - she so deserves inner peace and happiness.

 

If you are a mother who lives apart from your child, I know how hard it can be to read an article like this, especially if your child is very young. However, I believe that by reading another person’s account of loss we can, if we explore our feelings, understand and heal our own pain and loss, allowing us to live without being unduly burdened by guilt and regret. 

 

In my book ‘A Mother Apart’, you’ll find that I’m really interested in exploring what is triggered within us as non-resident mothers (or ‘mothers apart’), and I think the two likely flash points within the article are the writer’s judgement of her mother, finding her “guilty of deserting her children” and secondly, the impact of the mother’s absence on the writer’s life. 

 

Let’s start with the judgement and guilty verdict.  This is difficult because we fear that both our children and other people will judge us - which can lead us to feel guilty and ashamed.  As such we might want to avoid trigger situations such as reading the Guardian article, or conversations with others that could make us feel this way.  Sometimes, feeling shamed and in pain we will hide our side of the story.  As if this wasn’t bad enough, we often judge ourselves very harshly for what we did or didn’t do.  Perhaps we turn on ourselves after reading an article on ‘deserted’ children, blaming ourselves for what happened in the past.

 

One way we can help ourselves overcome this is to make a conscious effort to allow everyone their own experience.  Not easy I know!  That’s why I say conscious.  It means that as we read the article or listen to someone else’s opinion, we centre and protect ourselves by saying to ourselves and sometimes out loud, “OK, I hear that this was your experience, what feels true to you - and your experience is completely separate from mine”.

 

In my experience as a counsellor, ‘the truth’ is a funny kettle of fish.  In fact, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I don’t believe it exists.  What I have found is that each of us has a version of events and experiences that is our truth.  The degree to which relationships are deepened and enriched directly relates to one person’s ability to really listen to and value another person’s side – their truth.  Respect is generated when we actively try to understand another person’s view of the world.  This isn’t about agreeing with them (although  it could be), but it’s about allowing them and ourselves to  have a version of the truth which is as valid, as real and absolutely equal to someone else’s.  This way, we allow other people to be who they are.  And we in return, are free to be ourselves.

 

Ultimately, we have no control over what anyone else thinks or believes about us.  What’s important, I think, is to live as truthfully and honourably as we are able.

 

Another trigger within the article is likely to be the impact of separation from a mother on a child’s life.  Thinking about the impact of our children growing up apart from us can feel excruciating.  If you struggle with this, it’s with the utmost respect and gentleness that I offer the following for your consideration:

·         What we imagine our children suffer might not be what they actually suffer

·         Your child’s father or carer is as responsible for her wellbeing as you are.  That said, maintain as much contact as possible with your child, through a third party if necessary

·         Keep your heart open and love from afar, the best way you know how

·         As adults, we are responsible for making ourselves happy and establishing and maintaining relationships with others. 

·         Your child, as an adult, will be responsible for making herself/himself happy and finding any help she/he needs to come to terms with the past.  You can support them and talk things through with them but ultimately, like the article writer, choosing to work through childhood issues or not, is a personal decision.

 

Please take excellent care of yourself. Find professional support to help you with this if you need it.  Why don’t you leave a comment to let me know what you feel?