Category Archive

My daughter, her husband and my little grand daughter have now gone back to their home in South Africa, after spending a wonderful holiday with us.  It rained for most of the time when they were here but it didn’t matter too much.  I’m sure that many mothers apart will know that it’s the little things – the incidental, funny, silly, spontaneous moments that you gather up into your internal memory chest to savour over, months and years later, when you’re in the bath or on a walk..rather than perfect days out.

Shortly after they left, I gave a talk at the MATCH (mothers who live apart from their children) AGM.  It was a wonderful experience for me.  The best thing about being in a group of mothers apart is that you can relax and be very real, without fear of judgement.  One of the things I spoke about was the common challenge most mothers apart face, the automatic response of thinking we are to blame.  For example, if your child isn’t doing well at school – you tell yourself it’s because you’re not a full time mum, if your child is fearful or anxious – it’s because you left the family home, if your adult child appears grumpy or angry – it must be because of the damage she received, growing up apart from you.  The list of our overarching responsibility for most things negative our children appear to struggle with or suffer, is endless. 

Telling ourselves it’s our fault keeps us feeling guilty, bad and sad.  It doesn’t serve anybody if we are burdened with negative feelings about ourselves.  Feeling over responsible or guilty won’t turn back the clock or make amends when they are due.  The way forward for everyone’s sake is to reality check the situation from a position of neutrality, not high emotion. Calm yourself – take time out. Assume nothing.  Ask what you could do to help your child at school, try to find out the cause of your child’s anxiety or fear, ask why she or he is appears to be grumpy.  Even if you aren’t able to help directly, separating your feelings from those of your child will help you and them.  Each of us has to find our way in the world – however hard our upbringing. No one can live our life for us and learn the lessons of life for us – and that’s true for your child too.

At midnight last night I took part in an Australian national radio phone, ABC National Radio, Life Matters (A Mother Apart) on the topic of my book, A Mother Apart and the challenges facing mothers  living apart from their children.  I was rather apprehensive as I was really tired and doing a one hour talk back at midnight with a woolly head isn’t my idea of being on the ball!  Despite not being as coherent as I would have liked (don’t you just love the part of us that likes to point out what we didn’t do so well :o) - I was pleasantly surprised by the presenter, Richard Aedy’s sensitive approach and some really insightful and accepting attitudes from callers talking about their experience.  I spoke about the stigma and stereotype of ‘abandoning’ and ‘unfit mother’ as well as the feelings of guilt and shame that so many mothers apart feel.  We had a couple of dads who were accepting of their ex’s decision to choose to be a non custodial parent.  We also had a few very brave mothers apart who told their stories, including one mum who felt it was in her son’s best interests to live with his father in another country, as this is what he wanted half way through his childhood.  I was really impressed with her open door, open heart attitude.  I was such a good environment to talk about the importance of co-parenting without competing, putting our differences to one side and working at communicating well, for the sake of our children.

Part of my weariness is because I’ve been working my socks off to get my work life in order and my home sorted before my daughter arrives from South Africa tomorrow.  I can’t wait to see her, my little 3 year old granddaughter and my son-in-law.  They will be staying with us for three weeks.  I know that I am truly blessed to have the relationship I have with my daughter, despite her having grown up with her father, thousands of miles away.  What’s worked for me has been to stay in touch, to let her know I love her and miss her throughout the years.  We’ve had some difficult moments to be sure!  But amazingly, it’s been those times that have made me stronger.  As hard as they were, I was, over time, able to convert my pain and despair into an energy boost for the mother inside me, renewing my determination to hold on, keep loving no matter what.         

So it’s goodbye for a little while.  I’ll be back after my family holiday.  If you are a mother apart, please remember to take outrageously good care of yourself.  You’re no good to anyone else unless you do.  Yes, and I’ll remember to take a dose of my own medicine too!

The other day I heard a saying that I hadn’t heard in a while, “The best revenge is a life well lived”.  It’s got me thinking.  It’s strong and determined.  Its message of “I’m never going to let anyone treat me badly again – ever!”, is really clear.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  For lots of us who have had experience of having been crushed, belittled, humiliated or abused – a feisty mantra like this is a good one to live by.

There’s something about it though, that just doesn’t sit quite right with me.  It’s the word ‘revenge’.  Revenge is about the settling of scores, getting even, retribution.  I understand the sentiment well.  If you’re hurting and angry - making the other person see, can feel like justice is being done.  What bothers me is that revenge is too ‘other person’ focused.  Thinking about getting even is a waste of emotional energy that we could best use on ourselves in a more positive way. 

How about cutting out the first bit to create an affirmation “Mine is a life well lived”  It’s not as punchy, I grant you, but it is focused on oneself - which after all, is the only person we can change, control or influence. 

What does living well mean for you?  How can we nourish ourselves today?  What brings you fulfilment and happiness?  

This Sunday, 11 May, is Mother’s Day in 62 countries around the world.  Millions of moms will be given cards, treated to breakfast in bed or taken out for lunch.  They will be hugged, kissed, thanked and told how special they are.

But for mothers whose children live elsewhere, Mother’s Day is usually the most painful day of the year. 

More women than most people realise live apart from their children.  Even today, when amicable separations occur, mothers who don’t live with their children are regarded as at best an oddity – and at worst, unnatural and selfish.  Whatever the reason for separation, living apart from a child can be devastatingly painful. 

Mothers apart experience a double whammy. They face the judgement of the outside world, usually the actual responses from the people they come into contact with and what they read and hear in some of the media, and they are also judged by their ‘inner’ world – the negative things they tell themselves.  Negative inner judgement erodes self-esteem and destroys confidence. In particular, mothers apart from their children face the challenge of:

• The loss of everyday motherhood
• Stress, if they are battling with an ex-partner and trying to help children torn between two worlds.
• Guilt, tormenting themselves by taking on too much responsibility.
• Shame if they’ve lost custody – some mothers apart keep their status as a mother a secret to avoid probing questions and possible criticism. 
• Social stigma – it’s still more socially acceptable for men to live apart from their children.

A message for you if you’re a non-custodial mother…

Although it might feel like it, know that you’re not alone and it is possible to live a full and happy life and be a loving mother, living apart from your child.  Don’t allow guilt to get in the way of your relationship with your child, a new partner or indeed having another child.  Let go of trying to be a superwoman.   Maintain as much contact with your child as possible, perhaps through a third party.  If you have contact, listen well to your children and be as honest as possible – this is the way to build trust and increase your chances of a good relationship in the long term. 

Find the support you need.  Create an understanding support team around you – your friends, family and, should you need one, a counsellor who understands the loss experienced by women separated from their children (see www.amotherapart.com).  Read and do the exercises in my book, ‘A Mother Apart:  How to let go of guilt and find happiness living apart from your child’.

Mother’s Day tips for non-custodial moms…

Being such a money making occasion, Mother’s Day is difficult to avoid - but you can make things easier by preparing yourself emotionally. 

Please make a commitment to take outrageously good care of yourself on Mother’s Day.  In particular,

·         Remember, you are and always will be your child’s mother 365 days a year, no matter what has happen in the past, or what might happen in the future. 

·         Remind yourself that giving birth to a child is a huge achievement.  Sit quietly for a while and honour your status as a mother. 

·         Buy yourself some flowers.  Plan a special treat or, better still, ask your partner or a friend to take you out for a springtime walk, a health spa day, a delicious meal or whatever you love doing best!

·         Keep your heart and your door open, you never know what’s around the corner.

Nearly a year since their daughter disappeared, I heard Gerry and Kate McCann giving an interview on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme.  Their dignified attitude and calm response to questions by the media has always struck me as amazing.  They are clear about defining their campaign to find Madeleine as an awareness campaign, not a media campaign, saying that they are “real people, with real feelings, not characters in a book or soap opera”.

Believing that Madeleine was abducted as she slept, I can only wonder at how the McCann’s deal with what must be inevitable “If onlys..”  Even though a man was seen carrying a little girl wearing pyjamas like Madeleine’s, Kate was asked, “Couldn’t Madeleine have walked out of the apartment?”  I sensed its impact and wondered about the aim of that question?  Is it really suggesting just another possible answer to Madeline’s disappearance?  I would imagine the internal response of most mothers who, God forbid, would ever find themselves in this situation, would be the initial thud and squeeze of implied judgement, followed later by feelings of guilt and self-blame.  Mothers who are separated or live apart from their children know this well.  Unless these feelings are reality checked and nipped in the bud, they debilitate us.  They are also destructive to everyone else in our lives.  Who is served by our needless guilt and self-blame?  Are you holding on to any unnecessary negative feelings today?  What can you do to release yourself?

My self-help book, ‘A Mother Apart’ will soon be released in the US, Canada and Australia, in time for Mother’s Day, 11 May – the most painful day of the year for many mothers living apart from their children. 

In order to try and reach as many women who might need the book as possible, I’ve been spending some time googling: mothers, moms, mums, without custody and living apart from children.  Quite a few forums and small organisations appear, many with heartbreaking stories of separation, pain and confusion, but when I try to make contact with these group co-ordinators many of my e-mails bounce back. 

We know that there are millions of mothers living apart from their children around the world, and the numbers are rising - so where are these women? 

Women live apart from their children for a whole range of reasons; they lose custody or they become part-time mothers with joint custody, which sometimes doesn’t work out in practice.  Then there are more tragic circumstances involved such as a serious illness, false allegations of abuse or losing touch with their children altogether - suffering Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Whatever the reason, being separated from a child can be devastatingly painful and difficult to manage.  Grief, guilt, regret and the stress of battling with an ex-partner are just a few emotions that women living apart from their children must come to terms with.  And many are left alone to deal with their own pain and emotional journey as the subject is still surrounded by taboo, social stigma and stereotypes of ‘abandoning’ or ‘unfit’ mother.  As a counsellor, I have worked with women who keep their status of being a mother a secret in order to avoid judgement.

That’s why I was inspired to write ‘A Mother Apart’. I have written the book as a mother apart of twenty years (I now have a good relationship with my daughter who grew up with her father in South Africa) and as a counsellor who specialises in supporting women who live apart from their children.

Here is a brief synopsis of my book:

Moving beyond the stigmatised phenomenon of mothers who leave, ‘A Mother Apart’ provides empathic, practical support to readers battling with their emotions as they adjust and come to terms with life apart from their child.  It’s written to relieve the isolation of the many mothers apart who say “I thought I was the only one”.  It provides understanding approaches to tackle difficult emotions, helping women to:

• understand and find release from feelings of excessive guilt and shame
• grieve your loss and live with dignity
• learn the art of big hearted mothering: deep love from afar, over time
• find positive ways to integrate their lives as a mother apart and independent women
• review and develop their relationship with their child
• develop amicable relationships with their children’s father, father’s new partner and other family members
• make decisions about their future, including having new relationships and other children, with confidence
• and fully appreciate how the capacity to love deeply from afar makes them some of the most extraordinary mothers in the world

I’d love to hear from you if know of any organisations apart from MATCH and NANCM, who support and advise mothers living apart from their children or if you are or know of any journalists who would like to write a magazine or newspaper article on this emotive and worthy topic. 

We live in a wood in a little house in a wood and we’ve observed that the changing of the seasons is a little slower here than elsewhere.  Our Bluebells are only just beginning to make a show.

Today is International Parental Alienation Awareness Day.  Parental Alienation happens when a resident parent tries to manipulate a child into saying that they don’t want to have a relationship with their non resident parent.  The term Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) was coined by Dr Richard Gardner who described it as a disorder that happens solely in child-custody disputes in which a campaign of denigration is initiated by a resident parent, managing to turn the child against the non resident parent, resulting in the child’s apparent desire to end all contact with the parent they no longer live with. (Just to be clear, Parental Alienation doesn’t of course occur in cases were a parent abuses or neglects a child).  

Parents who discover that a once loving relationship with their child has changed, often quite suddenly into the complete opposite, understandably suffer acute pain and despair.  Their stories of rejection, character deformation and sometimes false allegations are heartbreaking. Two such courageous women share their experience of Parental Alienation in my book ‘A Mother Apart’. Their strength, tenacity and absolute commitment to remain in their children’s lives, is an inspiration.

Sadly, mothers and fathers who suffer as a result of severe parental alienation are usually faced with the long haul, sometimes waiting until children have grown into adults before any form of reconciliation can take place.  Sometimes becoming a parent themselves makes an adult child want to reconnect with and find out more about an alienated parent, and to ask questions about their past. However, we never know what’s around the corner so if you’re an alienated parent, try to keep your heart and door open, as circumstances can change at any time.

I hope the following tips will help you if you’re an alienated mother apart, today and everyday:

Maintain as much contact as possible with your child.  Find ways to stay in touch and let your child know that you love and miss them, without saying how upset you are.  Say that you look forward to the day when you can spend some time together. Sounds tricky in a highly emotional situation such as this, but finding good emotional support for yourself is essential to helping you contain feelings that might overwhelm your child. 

Be as imaginative as you can in coming up with ways to stay in touch. Phone, text, instant message, send e-cards, snail mail letters, cards, postcards.  Try and find out what her/his latest interest is and send collectables, magazines and cut out articles.  Send photos of you, your family, pets and friends she/he will remember.  Remind her/him of good times in the past and tell them about what is happening in your present. Maybe your attempts will reach your child, maybe they won’t but if they do, they’ll let your child know that you love and care for them.  Don’t give up.  Without a doubt, staying in contact, even if it feels like your efforts are going into a void, is the best way of increasing your chances of reconciliation in the future.  

Keep your focus on yourself, not you ex.  You are never going to be able to change your ex, so don’t waste your energy trying to convince him that he is out of order or treating the children unfairly by denying them contact with you.  Don’t hand your power over to your ex.  Try not to allow any fear you feel to influence your behaviour. Keeping yourself small or trying to keep him sweet won’t help.  Instead of allowing yourself to feel intimidated, set clear boundaries, calmly and assertively.  Develop these skills within yourself by having counselling or doing a course if you need to. When we choose how we behave instead of reacting to someone else’s behaviour, we feel more in control.  Think dignity and act calmly.  You will feel better for it, your ex will lose his power over you and your child will see you role modelling dignified, adult behaviour.

Take outrageously good care of yourself today.  Go well.

Last Saturday, in The Weekend Guardian, I read a very moving story of a woman whose mother left the family home when she was 7 years old, called ‘My mother deserted me’. It takes a huge amount of courage to put pen to paper and very publically, revisit a trauma which happened over fifty years ago.  I hope the writer found it a cathartic experience - she so deserves inner peace and happiness.

If you are a mother who lives apart from your child, I know how hard it can be to read an article like this, especially if your child is very young. However, I believe that by reading another person’s account of loss we can, if we explore our feelings, understand and heal our own pain and loss, allowing us to live without being unduly burdened by guilt and regret. 

In my book ‘A Mother Apart’, you’ll find that I’m really interested in exploring what is triggered within us as non-resident mothers (or ‘mothers apart’), and I think the two likely flash points within the article are the writer’s judgement of her mother, finding her “guilty of deserting her children” and secondly, the impact of the mother’s absence on the writer’s life. 

Let’s start with the judgement and guilty verdict.  This is difficult because we fear that both our children and other people will judge us - which can lead us to feel guilty and ashamed.  As such we might want to avoid trigger situations such as reading the Guardian article, or conversations with others that could make us feel this way.  Sometimes, feeling shamed and in pain we will hide our side of the story.  As if this wasn’t bad enough, we often judge ourselves very harshly for what we did or didn’t do.  Perhaps we turn on ourselves after reading an article on ‘deserted’ children, blaming ourselves for what happened in the past.

One way we can help ourselves overcome this is to make a conscious effort to allow everyone their own experience.  Not easy I know!  That’s why I say conscious.  It means that as we read the article or listen to someone else’s opinion, we centre and protect ourselves by saying to ourselves and sometimes out loud, “OK, I hear that this was your experience, what feels true to you - and your experience is completely separate from mine”.

In my experience as a counsellor, ‘the truth’ is a funny kettle of fish.  In fact, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I don’t believe it exists.  What I have found is that each of us has a version of events and experiences that is our truth.  The degree to which relationships are deepened and enriched directly relates to one person’s ability to really listen to and value another person’s side – their truth.  Respect is generated when we actively try to understand another person’s view of the world.  This isn’t about agreeing with them (although  it could be), but it’s about allowing them and ourselves to  have a version of the truth which is as valid, as real and absolutely equal to someone else’s.  This way, we allow other people to be who they are.  And we in return, are free to be ourselves.

Ultimately, we have no control over what anyone else thinks or believes about us.  What’s important, I think, is to live as truthfully and honourably as we are able.

Another trigger within the article is likely to be the impact of separation from a mother on a child’s life.  Thinking about the impact of our children growing up apart from us can feel excruciating.  If you struggle with this, it’s with the utmost respect and gentleness that I offer the following for your consideration:

·         What we imagine our children suffer might not be what they actually suffer

·         Your child’s father or carer is as responsible for her wellbeing as you are.  That said, maintain as much contact as possible with your child, through a third party if necessary

·         Keep your heart open and love from afar, the best way you know how

·         As adults, we are responsible for making ourselves happy and establishing and maintaining relationships with others. 

·         Your child, as an adult, will be responsible for making herself/himself happy and finding any help she/he needs to come to terms with the past.  You can support them and talk things through with them but ultimately, like the article writer, choosing to work through childhood issues or not, is a personal decision.

Please take excellent care of yourself. Find professional support to help you with this if you need it.  Why don’t you leave a comment to let me know what you feel?