In my book, A Mother Apart, I write about non-competitive co-parenting and suggest ways for mothers who are no longer full time parents, to relax into open hearted mothering, to practice letting go and holding on to their child in equal measure.

When I counsel my clients, both mothers and fathers, I approach issues they might have with co-parenting in two distinct parts. Firstly, we explore the feelings and experience of my client, the parent. Then, with greater awareness of where her/his feelings and experience end and where the separate identity of their child begins, we focus on the needs of their child.

In my experience, if you don’t explore and validate the often very strong feelings of fear of loss, being replaced, competition, jealousy, over protectiveness, possession – all very normal, natural feelings – and if you move too quickly on the needs of the child, a parent isn’t helped to identify and accept these strong feelings, and will then find it very hard to choose to act with grace and dignity, and very importantly, in the best interests of their child.

Now, let’s be clear – experiencing strong feelings of jealousy, competition, fear of being replaced is normal and for some of us, these feelings are very intense. However, there is a clear difference between feeling and choosing to act in any particular way. This is why I believe it is important for parents to examine and understand their feelings and make a conscious choice to co-parent their child. An example internal conversation of a separated parent could be something like this: “Hmm, I notice I am feeling fearful about letting Gemma go to Mike’s this weekend, I feel jealous and imagine that she is having a nicer time with him than with me.  Ok…this is how I am feeling. Feelings are not necessarily reality. I am not going to act on these feelings. I am going to wave Gemma off with a smile and do something nurturing for myself.”

Here are some thoughts and tips to help parents co-parent:

• Just as with 24/7 hands on parenting, you are in it for the long haul when you co-parent. Mindful parenting means that we pay attention to our child’s immediate needs and in so doing we shape the relationship we will have with our child as an adult. When it comes to your ex, remember that having a child together means that you are also in it for the long haul – you will have to deal with each other at graduations, weddings, and share your grandchildren with him or her.
• Every action you take role models a behaviour for your child. Think and check in with yourself before you act.
• The reality is that you have even less control of parenting when you split up with your partner and how you parent needs to change. The less contact time you have the more mindful you need to be.
• Go out of your way to communicate with your ex. Be as generous as possible, keeping the needs of your child clearly in focus.
• Different parenting styles and approaches will become more apparent when you co-parent. Tell yourself that different is not wrong or bad, it is just not how you would do things.
• Your child has a right to a relationship with your ex and his/her new partner, new and step siblings which is completely separate from you and your life.
• Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your child. Children identify with both parents and experience badmouthing of a parent as a personal attack.
• Show empathy and understanding regarding your child being separated from one of their parents – assure them that it is really fine with you that they love and want to be with dad/mum after your divorce
• Don’t pump your child for information on the other parent, their new partner and family. Not knowing about and controlling the impact of your child’s family beyond you is the reality after divorce.
• Tell yourself there is no competition – you will always be child’s mother or father – there is enough love to go around.
• Focus on your own life! You deserve to be happy, find love with a new partner and experience the joy of other children.

to the pursuit of ambition and brief power,

I will be stretched out in the shade, singing.

Fray Luis de Leon (c.1527-1591)

You might prefer the sofa to Fray Luis de Leon’s shade at this time of year but wherever you are, I hope these suggestions help you through the end of 2011.

Name the elephant in the room

Christmas can be hard on our partners and loved ones. They watch us gingerly, monitoring our mood, trying to keep things jolly. Ignoring the elephant in the room – by this I mean the reality that we feeling upset at not being with our children or that contact with our children is difficult – often makes life more stressful. Speak to your partner and family before Christmas day. Explain that it is natural that you would find this time of year difficult and that they don’t have to ‘fix’ you. Say that you working on a strategy to look after yourself over the Christmas period. Think about whether he/she/they can help you and ask clearly for what you need. “I need your support”, leaves most partners scratching their heads. Be specific, for example, “Can you please take care of being the host in the afternoon, I know I am going to feel sad for a while when Lilly goes to Paul after lunch.”

Avoid black and white thinking and behaviour

Don’t fall into the trap of being either miserable or cheerful all day. Denying your feelings can be just as disabling as not taking steps to lift your mood. Keep it real. Allow yourself time to acknowledge how you feel about being without your children for all or part of Christmas, but make sure you do whatever it takes to be at peace and even enjoy the day.

Make time to reflect

A ritual or conscious act to acknowledge how you feel, can be very comforting. Light a candle for each of your children and/or a beautifully scented one to represent you as their mother. You might like to have a symbolic ornament or a natural object clearly visible throughout the day, as your way of holding your child close to you even though they can’t be with you. Be wary of listening repeatedly to music which has memories for you. This can be very emotive and keep you stuck in painful feelings. Going for a walk can help process your thoughts and give you a natural high by increasing serotonin levels. Mediation, yoga even some stretches can have the same effect.

If you don’t have contact with your children

Ask someone you trust to reality check your decision regarding whether or not to make contact over Christmas. Check your motives: is anger, fear or resentment holding you back? Do you need to risk and send love with an open heart but without expecting a reply? Check your instincts: Are you satisfied that your children know you love them, are there for them and that it is right for you to back off at this point and give things a break? The answer will be different for each of us and may change from year to year.

If you do have contact with your children

Make your time together special but avoid competing, trying to buy love through presents or working too hard to create a perfect Christmas. As the myth of the most wonderful time of the year and happy families looms large, difficult ex-partners are likely to become more so. It is hard for children with divorced parents – feeling confused with divided loyalties is likely to be heightened for them at this time of year. Resist the urge to bad mouth your ex even if he has messed you around with holiday arrangements and so on. Be a role model grace and dignity for your children, and focus on your day instead.

Keep it simple

Keep your mood and spirits as high as possible by keeping the stakes low. A good Christmas doesn’t have to be a complicated one with an exhausting planning and cooking schedule expensive decorations. You don’t have to prove yourself. You are a good mother without having to provide three different types of dessert.

Change happens

Change is inevitable (accept from vending machines!). You never know what is around the corner – a cliché I know but in my counselling practice, working with mothers apart from their children, I know how true this is. Change can happen when you least expect it, sometimes quickly or sometimes years after separation. Keep your heart and door open. Above all, live your life and make yourself happy, you deserve it.

PA occurs when one parent, usually the resident parent, undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent, resulting in the child’s rejection of that parent (target parent), based not on the child’s own experiences with the rejected parent, but rather as a reflection of the alienating parent’s attitudes.

How does PA affect a child?

The alienating parent’s needs are experienced by the child as more important and urgent than their own. They have to be loyal and devoted, and show they love the alienating parent best of all. Contact with target parent seen as a betrayal. Love becomes conditional, and the child feels they need to reassure the parent. In my experience, children tend to either align themselves with the parent they perceive as being more powerful (materially, emotionally and physically) to try to keep themselves safe, loved and validated, or, sensing the emotional vulnerability of the alienating parent, they take on an inappropriate caretaking role, sometimes feeling they need to step into the shoes once filled by the target parent. Either way, the child can swing from feeling intensely powerless in a painful situation to being powerful in ways that are not appropriate for them as a child.

How PA can affect you and how you can help yourself

PA is very harmful to children and heartbreaking for target parents. The following thoughts are offered as a broader strategy for managing PA.

Children affected by PA often adopt black and white thinking – one parent is seen as all good and the other, all bad. As target parents, we can get stuck in black and white thinking too. Our ex partner is all bad, family members are either all good or all bad, and as a target parent – a victim of PA – we are all good. As mothers apart from children, black and white thinking keeps us stuck. It doesn’t allow for the flexible, resilient attitude needed for us to champion our child’s right to a relationship with both parents. As painful as this might sound, I encourage you to consider the shades of grey in your personal circumstances. Here are some areas to reflect upon:

• Put yourself in your child’s shoes and take an honest reappraisal of the situation. What would they say has happened to your relationship with them? It doesn’t matter if this isn’t the truth of the situation from your perspective. There is no one truth, we all have a different view and experience of the world. Look for any grains of truth that could guide you to adjust how you communicate with your child now or in the future.

• Put yourself in your ex partner’s shoes and repeat the above. Even if your behaviour has been exemplary, having an honest look at the world from his viewpoint might guide you towards a different approach and/or help you to understand and support your child. Remember, this is not about letting him off the hook! Your reflections are about finding peace of mind and trying to build a relationship with your child.

• What has changed over the time you have been separated? As mothers apart, we have a tendency to see our child as the age they were when we last saw them. Their behaviour, beliefs, values will change. How have you changed? For example, are you managing your emotions better now than in the early days after your divorce? Are you happier and stronger? Do you need to communicate your new perspective to your child or your ex?

• How might life be if you weren’t separated from your child? Many families who are not affected by divorce and break up experience long lasting misunderstandings, rifts and estrangements. Most family units are far from perfect and many children either never truly separate from their mother (or father) or pull away completely, in order to separate. A mother’s job – whether you are a mother apart or not – is to let go so your children can come back to you.

Life changes everything and everyone. Failure to acknowledge this results in black and white thinking. If as a target parent you examine any part you had to play, honestly, without beating yourself up for any mistakes, the shades of grey you find can ease your pain and release you from anger.

Tips for communicating with your child if PA is taking place

• Don’t react. It could be your child is being manipulated and is looking for evidence to reject you. Hold the adult place and don’t confuse your child with your ex partner even though they might sound like your ex partner.
• Show empathy and understanding. For example, say “I read somewhere that sometimes children think they can’t love mum and dad once they are divorced, but you don’t have to choose”.
• Agree to disagree. Don’t tell your child that she/he is wrong or doesn’t feel that way. Say you will agree to disagree and move the conversation on.
• Being in the moment. Resist the desire to ask questions about your child’s life with your ex partner or continually ask how she/he is feeling. Focus on your time with your child. Be in the present. Have fun.
• Talk about memories. Remind child of past happy times, show photos. Reminisce and repeat and build upon good times together.
• Just love your child, even though you feel rejected and your child’s behaviour might be difficult for you to manage. Let them know you will always love them no matter what.

I wish you comfort and joy – you deserve nothing less.

Thankfully, we can choose to see 3 April differently.

This Sunday is a day like any other. Just like any other day, we can see it as a chance for a new beginning, to embrace spontaneity, to do something that will make us stretch and grow or prioritise nurturing and pampering ourselves. We can ignore the media hype and decide to spend it doing whatever it is that makes us happy.

Realising how much pressure and power Mother’s Day foists on to our children, we can choose remove ourselves emotionally from the false belief that to be remembered on this day is a measure of our self worth.  You will not cease to be valuable, lovable or worthy if your children forget Mother’s Day or reject you.

Expecting mothers to give children all of the nurturing, guidance and self belief a person needs throughout life, is a myth. It is never too late to receive love, mentoring and support from any number of strong mother figures around us. Do you have enough wise, insightful and loyal ‘surrogate mothers’ to sustain you?   It helps us when we acknowledge that this is true for our children too. Motherhood is not a competition. As we and our children change and grow, we can receive mothering from many different people at different stages in life. Understanding this can help us feel less urgent and worried if we don’t have contact with our children at this moment in time.

Whatever you do on Sunday remember this: We can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nurture and love ourselves. We can accept ourselves with all our faults, strengths, thoughts and feelings. We are the best thing we have got going in life. Believe this – it makes Mother’s Day and all other days much easier and a lot more fun.

Take good care of yourself.

Warmly,

Sarah

One of the worst things about worry is the way it seems to take over our lives. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our head we are unable to solve our problems. It can paralyze thinking and activity. Some of us are habitual worriers and have worried for years, sometimes having learnt how to be a worrier from our parents. For others, the act of worrying has crept into our lives when we became mothers apart from our children.

Whether you are a seasoned worrier or struggle with anxiety provoking thoughts from time to time, here are some home truths about worry:

• Worry is a state of apprehension from anticipating a real or imaginary threatening event. It is therefore possible to put yourself through very distressing imaginings about something that will not happen. Worrying, obsessing and trying to control, are illusions – tricks we play on ourselves. We like to think this behaviour is solving our problems but it is not.

• Many people are superstitious about worry, believing that worrying will prevent something bad from happening. Just like managing guilt so that we can make ourselves happy as mothers apart, it is important to manage superstitious thoughts that tell us that feeling peaceful and calm is bound to make something bad happen.

• Most worriers would like to be completely free of anxiety immediately. Trying to change habits takes time. Like adjusting to living apart from your child, the trick is to take things easy, lower your sights and aim to manage worry.

Three tips for managing worry:

Organise worry. Set aside a time of the day to methodically review your worries. If a worry shows up before or after your worry time, write it down on your worry list for later. Choose a certain time of day and a place for worrying. Avoid your bed as it should always be associated with your peaceful haven.  My clients often say, “I can’t do that, I don’t have control”- but think for a moment about how many times you worry and are interrupted by the phone or some other distraction. This means that you do set worries aside without realising it. You can learn to put aside a worry and get on with living your life in the here and now. You will also notice that a worry that felt strong at 10am has shrunk in significance by a worry time of say, 4pm. Aim to reduce your worry time from ten minutes to five, to two minutes per day. If you begin to make a joke of your new worry time habit with other people, then so much the better.

Focus on solving the problem if it is in your control, not your “what if…?” thoughts. What precisely is the problem or goal? List all possible solutions. Asses the main advantages and disadvantages of each one. Choose the most practical solution, the one that will most easily begin to solve the problem. Plan steps to carry out the best solution, listing the resources needed and pitfalls to overcome. Review progress and remember focus on what you have achieved first, before what is still to be overcome.

Write a personalised Worry First Aid Card. Keep some worry reducing reminders in your handbag and read when necessary. Here are some suggestions:

“I know that thinking about future bad events make me anxious but I can cope with these feelings and I don’t have to exaggerate things by dwelling on these thoughts.”

“I can choose to act in a way that is in direct conflict with my worry. I can face my fears.”

“I can take constructive steps to solve problems and that is as much as anyone can do. I will now think of or do something else.”

Rehearse the statements until they become an automatic response to worry. With practice you will experience fewer and shorter spells of worry.

As ever and especially when you are feeling worried and anxious, take outrageously good care of yourself. Get outside for some exercise, eat mindfully, treat and pamper yourself and make sure you get enough sleep.

Until next time,

Warmly

Sarah

Don’t fall for the hype

It is easy to feel the pressure to buy and consume more than we can afford or need at this time of year. Remember that you have a choice. We can also succumb to the hard sell that convinces us that everyone else is having a wonderful, happy, family orientated time. The reality is that Christmas is stressful for most people, with or without their children.

Someone else’s rejection of you does not make you worthless

If your children cannot or refuse to be with you over Christmas or New Year, try to separate their decision or the circumstances from your sense of self esteem. Rejection does not mean you are wrong, bad or unworthy – it is someone else’s decision or choice at this point in time. Love your child from afar. Love them in spite of their rejection. Love them and take extremely good care of yourself because you are worth it.

Take excellent care of yourself

Take physical exercise to lower adrenaline and cortisol levels which keep us over stimulated and unable to sleep during stressful times. Even a short outing will help but better still, a walk in nature, the park or wood will help lift your spirits. Observe your surroundings. Blue Tits are searching for nest sites already – you too can look forward to the Spring. Indulge your senses. Treat yourself to scented candles, fragrant warm baths, soft towels, warming drinks, tasty food, calming music or when the mood takes you, a bit of a dance in your living room. Sleep is much underrated. We need sleep to heal and grow. Make your bedroom a comfortable, safe haven and take yourself to bed at a regular, reasonable time.

Let go of competitive feelings

You will always be your children’s mother. No one can take this away from you so relax into your status as their mother. Remain as constant as you can. We are in this for the long haul. Love and let go of competition. There is enough love to go around. If your ex or his new partner behaves competitively, remember that this about a drive within them and not about you. Do your best to detach from their behaviour and keep your focus on what is important – loving your children.

Watch out for perfectionism

Perfectionism undermines you and can be hard to spot. It pretends that it’s only trying to do a good job but secretly it feeds on telling us that whatever we are, whatever we do just isn’t good enough. Christmas day, the presents you have chosen, your children’s behaviour, your mood, the food, the weather and so on does not have to be perfect. A relaxed, peaceful happy you is far more beneficial to others and much better for your health and wellbeing.

You are enough

Whoever you are, whatever you look like, whatever you feel is ok and enough. You do not have to be Supermother – it would be dreadful if you were! Supermother would need to have Superchild – far too much pressure for you both. Focus instead on being and becoming more of who you are, the real essence of you. Tell yourself, “I am loving and lovable”, out loud in the mirror. Smile at yourself because it is true. Go and do it right now and do so every day over the holiday period and into 2011. Believe that you are enough, just as you are.

Quite often, women struggle with both forgiving themselves and forgiving others, which when you take a closer look, makes sense. If we are not able to grasp what longing to be forgiven does to us and apply our understanding to change how we view our circumstances and actions, it is difficult to look beyond our viewpoint to gauge the cost to ourselves of harbouring resentments towards others.

In my book, A Mother Apart, I write about longing to be forgiven for something we did or did not do – “I should have left sooner, stayed longer, been less naive or less angry”, we say with remorse. I have observed that mothers living apart from their children, whether they have no contact or co-parent, are susceptible to expecting very high standards of themselves, feeling they should be ‘perfect’ mothers. They have the ability to turn a blind eye to the stress they were under at the time of separation and divorce – pressure from other people and a lack of physical and emotional resources – especially if separation from their child was linked to their need to move on and develop personally. Being truthful about the full circumstances of our separation is very important but only part of what needs to be done to move forward. We need to consciously put an end to the ways we punish ourselves too.

Let us turn to forgiveness of others for a moment. A mother apart might say, “I just cannot forgive him/her/them for doing that to my child/me. They should not be allowed to get away with it!” Now, I am the first to understand their anger and resentment and believe it is vital to express this. However there comes a time when holding on to an offence or injustice whether intended or a mistake, comes at too high a price. Research shows that those who hold on to resentments are more likely to suffer high blood pressure, clinical depression and other health problems than those able to forgive.

Hanging on to umbrage and indignation about the wrongs of others towards you keeps you firmly stuck in the past. Yearning to be forgiven by others stops you from being in the present and gets in the way of you shaping up and creating your future.

Actor Lily Tomlin said; “Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past”, and I think this sums it up well. I would also add that forgiveness is also giving up all hope for retribution or revenge. Nothing that has happened in the past can be undone – we simply do not have the power to do this.

A lack of forgiveness of oneself or others blocks hope and the ability to move on. It leaves you feeling helpless and powerless. So, ask yourself:

• If I feel bad about living apart from my child, how can I help myself to explore and acknowledge the truth about my circumstances without unfairly judging myself? For example, you could try writing your story and sharing and reality checking it with a trusted friend.

• What action can I take to gently lead myself away from repeatedly thinking that I must be forgiven? Am I perhaps turning someone’s rejection of me (perhaps my child or the family court system) in on myself, making myself feel guilty and remorseful instead of grieving my loss?

• What can I do to support myself to avoid ruminating over how I think others have wronged me? Remember, you are the one who suffers if you continually run past events over in your mind.

If you feel stuck with trying to cope with resentment, remorse or any other difficult feelings, please find professional help for yourself.

Until next time, take excellent care of yourself.

It was written by a young woman called Michele Gorman and entitled, ‘I’m proud my mother left me’

I do know how hard it can be to read articles with a mother living apart from her child theme but I found this one full of hope. Michele shows enormous insight and understanding into what we will understand as the extremely difficult decision to leave our children in the family home when our marriage/relationship breaks down. Please don’t let the title, ‘I’m proud my mother left me’ put you off of reading it, as half way through Michele writes:

“The message was consistent, and clear. She wasn’t leaving us. She was leaving her husband. We had the choice to go with my mother. We chose not to. My mother’s new place would be just three miles away but I wanted my friends around me, and the familiarity of the home I’d grown up in. Besides, on a practical level, I didn’t see how the school bus would know where to find me if I moved. (I’d had similar concerns about Father Christmas years earlier when we went to my grandma’s for Christmas Eve.) My mother must have been devastated by our choice, and overwhelmed at the enormity of what she was doing.”

Although heartbreaking, Michele’s childhood worry about the school bus and Father Christmas can help us to see that a child’s ‘choice’ to stay in the home is not personal but makes perfect sense when you are eleven years old. That said, I totally understand how rejecting these ‘choices’ can be and gently suggest that all mothers apart find ways and help when necessary, to look after their own feelings and keep their hearts open to their child and her/his ‘choice’ at the same time.

Michele acknowledges her own pain and that of her sister but mostly she writes about her mother’s decision as being courageous act. It is very clear that despite living apart she is very close to her mother who has become an inspiring role model to her because of her decision to leave the family home. She ends the article as follows:

“She became a stronger person because she was brave enough to leave. My sister and I grew up on many mantras from my mother but I think the most important is: if you don’t like something about your situation, see how you can change it. She taught me that it’s better to be judged by others as unconventional than to judge yourself a coward.”

Some points you might like to ponder upon:

• Children can see and gradually understand things from perspectives which we might find surprising. What messages or mantras do you give your children? Even if we have little or no contact at the moment, children are capable of seeing that you have tried even if they are angry or align themselves with their resident parent.

• Consider Michele’s mother’s mantra: if you don’t like something about your situation, see how you can change it. Are you ready to make any changes to boost your happiness and find peace of mind?

• Never give up hope. Time is a great healer. Two clichés but oh SO true! Find ways to support yourself to keep your heart and door open.

Please take outrageously good care of yourself.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00sbvvr

The interview starts 1:21 into the programme with my contribution starting at 5:23.

• An unnecessarily rude text from your ex partner following a misunderstanding about when you were supposed to take your child to his house.
• Your child calling her stepmother, “Mum/Mom”.
• A work colleague exclaiming “How could she!” on hearing that a woman in finance left her family home to be with another man.
• Your father’s sarcastic comment about the long grass and weeds in your garden

and so on.

How to lose the game but win the match

If you’re aware of finding yourself playing emotional ball with someone, why not try the following 5 steps to lose the game but win the match:

1. Imagine you’re in Centre Court.  Face your challenger head on.  Pause and breathe.  Observe their stance – what does it tell you?  Is there a deliberate intent to cause hurt or maliciousness?  Are they hitting out through ignorance, lack of experience or because they’re too young to know better (your child perhaps).
2. Watch the provoking behaviour or comment – coming towards you.  Use your mind to slow it down and roll words up into a manageable tennis ball size.
3. Stand still and relaxed in your half of the court.
4. See the ball fly past your left or right side.
5. Turn and leave the court in a dignified manner.  Without a word, calmly walk away.  Be prepared for a possible barrage of balls as sometimes opponents don’t like it when you stop playing the game.  Remember, even saying, “I’m not going to play ball”, is playing ball.

 What to do if you’ve already returned the ball:

1. It’s never too late to stop playing even the longest running emotional ball game.  If you stop, your challenger will eventually give up when you’re no longer willing to play.
2. Sit quietly and close your eyes.
3. In your mind, press the Hawk-Eye button for an action replay.
4. Then follow steps 3 to 5 above.

Remember that practice makes perfect so do keep at it throughout the year.  Finally, there isn’t any prize money for the winner – there’s something much more valuable and long lasting than £850 000:  the priceless emotional, physical and spiritual reward of calm, dignity and peace of mind.

Until next time, take care.

Warmly,

Sarah