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Christmas is seen traditionally as a time for happiness, celebration and in particular, a time for giving. Over these past few weeks, my work with my counselling clients who live apart from their children has often included exploring their feelings and decisions around giving presents to their children.
 
Circumstances vary. There are those who are anxious that they over compensate for hurt caused to their children by their divorce or separation. Some question whether they spend too much on their children as they compete with an extravagant ex-partner for their child’s approval or affection.  Hurt and angry after years of giving presents without acknowledgement or thanks, still others wonder whether they should send a card only or whether this could be misconstrued as unloving or selfish. Some fear gifts being returned or cheques remaining uncashed, and say with sadness that they are never sure whether their child even knows that they send presents.
 
If you usually give gifts at this time or any other, I hope that you achieve peace of mind with your decisions. I encourage my clients to examine and reality check their feelings so that they consciously choose whether or not to send gifts, as opposed to reactionary giving –  giving to try to avoid rejection or not giving because of feeling hurt or angry. I remind them that we have no control over how our children receive or feel about our gifts but what is important always, is our intention. Is what we send enough to show our love without attempting to buy the love of our children? Is deciding not to send a gift or card out of respect for our child’s request for no contact or to punish our child, an attempt to make our child really feel what they are missing out on?
 
Whether or not you are troubled by giving presents to others at this frenetic time of year, I would urge you to pause and consider ways of giving to yourself. Even without the pain of separation, Christmas is loaded with time restrictions and stressful must and should dos.
 
Here are my top five gift suggestions for you:
 
The gift of giving yourself permission to enjoy yourself
Many mothers apart feel unworthy of or guilty about letting their hair down and planning fun as well as nurturing activities over the holiday period. It is so important to you and those around you to give yourself permission to enjoy yourself. Why? When we are having fun we relieve ourselves of stress, regain a balanced view on life and relate to the people and world around us as safe, life enhancing and full of potential. Live a little, luxuriate, revel, kick up your heels – do what makes you happy.

The gift of a new tradition
Our mind is playing a trick on us if we tell ourselves that what we have done for years is the only way of doing things. If you feel in pain or overwhelmed by memories of how Christmas used to be with your children, create a new tradition for your holiday time. None of your previous customs are cast in stone. Feel as free as you truly are to redesign the old routines. Rejoice in the liberating opportunity of making new plans. Cut loose and shape things to just how you (and those who will be with you) like them.

The gift of receiving openheartedly
You are worthy of receiving gifts, attention, love, compliments – even if you are rejected by your children. You do not have to suffer. Take pleasure in receiving unreservedly, gifts, love and kindness from others. Accept openheartedly, without longing for the giver or gift to be someone or something else. Don’t lose sight of the good intention of the giver – to receive graciously, even a simple compliment, can be a rewarding experience for you both.

The gift of being in the present moment
Living in the past or the future separates us from reality of the moment. Of course it is natural to feel a sense of loss and sadness about not being with the children you love at Christmas but being stuck in feelings of disappointment and hurt for long periods of time does not serve you, your children or the people around you who care about you. At significant moments of the holiday period, stop, hold your child in loving thought and then honour yourself for being your child’s mother. Many people find a symbolic ritual like lighting a candle can help them be with their feelings in the moment, before letting go and moving on with their day.

The gift of serenity 
We can work our way though waves of grief but indignation and grudges keep us stuck. He or she might deserve your resentment and bitterness – but you don’t. Decide to side step the vengeful or galling behaviour of others we have to have to communicate with. No one has the right to steal your serenity. Choosing not to play the game or answer back takes you along the road of inner peace – surely the biggest gift you can give yourself.
 
To end this year, my wish for you is taken from a meditation of Lovingkindness:
 
May you be well, may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be at ease, may you be at peace.
 
Until 2013, take very good care of yourself.

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Sarah’s new self-help book: A Mother Apart

Support for women

Sarah specialises in counselling and training women. She helps non-resident mothers find inner peace by dealing with guilt, distress and other difficult feelings which can be experienced when living apart from their child. Her self-help book, 'A Mother Apart', published by Crown House, is available now. She also supports business women grow in confidence whilst growing their businesses. To find out more, please visit Sarah Hart's website

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