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For mothers living apart from their children, the occurrence of Mother’s Day can feel like the unavoidable force of advertising pushing our noses into the painful reality of being estranged from our children.

An obvious place to start to remedy this is to remember that the pink cards, bouquets, chocolates and bubbly are a money making Mother’s Day marketing strategy that occurs after Valentine’s Day and before Easter. We can take comfort from knowing that we are not alone, that many mothers apart feel as we do and that like any day, it only lasts for twenty four hours.

How else can we look after ourselves and channel our energy away from difficult feelings like rejection, hurt or anger? Maybe these tips will help you this week:

You are more than being a mother

Whatever our circumstances, it is essential that we remind ourselves that being a mother is only part of who we are. For many of us (especially in the early days of separation) it feels like a big part but make no mistake, our status as a mother it is part of us not the whole of us.

Re-route your mothering

I am not saying that you should deny you are a mother to yourself or the world. I am suggesting that if you are not able to be with your children twenty four seven or your children do not want your hands on mothering at this point in time, divert your mothering ability elsewhere. Who or what would benefit from the mothering part of you? Is there anyone or anything out there that needs your special care and attention? Remember, to mother is not the same as smother. It is not wise to take responsibility for someone who is capable of taking care of themselves. Re-routing your mothering skills might simply be taking more time to listen to or act lovingly towards someone or something. Diverting your care and attention might take the form of voluntary work, supporting those less fortunate that ourselves, becoming a trustee of voluntary organisation or working in a charity shop. Caring enough to make a meaningful contribution without burning yourself out is what we are talking about.

Allow yourself to be mothered

Who roots for you? Who bursts with pride at your achievements? Who cares about you, your choices, your work? In her truly inspirational book, Women Who Run With the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes says that we all have access to ‘the little wild mothers’. These are people who, when we take one look we think, “I am her progeny, I am her child, she is my mother, my grandmother.”’ We know instinctively that these women (and men) are ‘like the fairy godmother…mentor…the  mother you never had, or did not have long enough’. Be open to receive nurture from little wild mothers around you. We are all worthy of love and support, so make sure you find your supporters.

What floats your boat?

Many mothers are so used to being involved with their children’s lives they lose touch with their own. Living apart from our children is like experiencing premature empty nest syndrome. Children leave home eventually which means that at some point in your life you would need to address being without them. For us, this life stage arrived earlier than expected. Like all mothers who reach this transition, ask yourself: What would fulfil me? What have I always wanted to do but never got around to? Think back to when you were a girl – what were you good at, what were your hobbies? What interested you before you met the father of your children? Maybe the answer comes easily but maybe you’ll have to soul search. It is much better to quest for a while to find meaning in your life than to take the first shiny, pretty thing that is to hand.

Involve yourself as a woman in your own right

This year, Mothers Day in the UK falls two days after International Women’s Day, on 8 March 2013. In the lead up to International Women’s day there are a vast array of activities and gatherings for women. Take a look at www.internationalwomensday.com There are currently 1022 Women’s Day events across the world and 340 in the UK alone and the number of events keeps rising! What takes your fancy? Music festivals, markets, empowerment workshops, singing, belly dancing, business support, poetry readings and more. If you are struggling to find what lights your fire, you might just find a spark by involving yourself as a woman first and foremost.

From one woman to another, take good care of yourself!

Warmly,

Sarah

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Sarah’s new self-help book: A Mother Apart

Support for women

Sarah specialises in counselling and training women. She helps non-resident mothers find inner peace by dealing with guilt, distress and other difficult feelings which can be experienced when living apart from their child. Her self-help book, 'A Mother Apart', published by Crown House, is available now. She also supports business women grow in confidence whilst growing their businesses. To find out more, please visit Sarah Hart's website

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