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And so, while others miserably pledge themselves
to the pursuit of ambition and brief power,
I will be stretched out in the shade, singing.
Fray Luis de Leon (c.1527-1591)
You might prefer the sofa to Fray Luis de Leon’s shade at this time of year but wherever you are, I hope these suggestions help you through the end of 2011.
Name the elephant in the room
Christmas can be hard on our partners and loved ones. They watch us gingerly, monitoring our mood, trying to keep things jolly. Ignoring the elephant in the room – by this I mean the reality that we feeling upset at not being with our children or that contact with our children is difficult – often makes life more stressful. Speak to your partner and family before Christmas day. Explain that it is natural that you would find this time of year difficult and that they don’t have to ‘fix’ you. Say that you working on a strategy to look after yourself over the Christmas period. Think about whether he/she/they can help you and ask clearly for what you need. “I need your support”, leaves most partners scratching their heads. Be specific, for example, “Can you please take care of being the host in the afternoon, I know I am going to feel sad for a while when Lilly goes to Paul after lunch.”
Avoid black and white thinking and behaviour
Don’t fall into the trap of being either miserable or cheerful all day. Denying your feelings can be just as disabling as not taking steps to lift your mood. Keep it real. Allow yourself time to acknowledge how you feel about being without your children for all or part of Christmas, but make sure you do whatever it takes to be at peace and even enjoy the day.
Make time to reflect
A ritual or conscious act to acknowledge how you feel, can be very comforting. Light a candle for each of your children and/or a beautifully scented one to represent you as their mother. You might like to have a symbolic ornament or a natural object clearly visible throughout the day, as your way of holding your child close to you even though they can’t be with you. Be wary of listening repeatedly to music which has memories for you. This can be very emotive and keep you stuck in painful feelings. Going for a walk can help process your thoughts and give you a natural high by increasing serotonin levels. Mediation, yoga even some stretches can have the same effect.
If you don’t have contact with your children
Ask someone you trust to reality check your decision regarding whether or not to make contact over Christmas. Check your motives: is anger, fear or resentment holding you back? Do you need to risk and send love with an open heart but without expecting a reply? Check your instincts: Are you satisfied that your children know you love them, are there for them and that it is right for you to back off at this point and give things a break? The answer will be different for each of us and may change from year to year.
If you do have contact with your children
Make your time together special but avoid competing, trying to buy love through presents or working too hard to create a perfect Christmas. As the myth of the most wonderful time of the year and happy families looms large, difficult ex-partners are likely to become more so. It is hard for children with divorced parents – feeling confused with divided loyalties is likely to be heightened for them at this time of year. Resist the urge to bad mouth your ex even if he has messed you around with holiday arrangements and so on. Be a role model grace and dignity for your children, and focus on your day instead.
Keep it simple
Keep your mood and spirits as high as possible by keeping the stakes low. A good Christmas doesn’t have to be a complicated one with an exhausting planning and cooking schedule expensive decorations. You don’t have to prove yourself. You are a good mother without having to provide three different types of dessert.
Change happens
Change is inevitable (accept from vending machines!). You never know what is around the corner – a cliché I know but in my counselling practice, working with mothers apart from their children, I know how true this is. Change can happen when you least expect it, sometimes quickly or sometimes years after separation. Keep your heart and door open. Above all, live your life and make yourself happy, you deserve it.
What is Parental Alienation (PA)?
PA occurs when one parent, usually the resident parent, undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent, resulting in the child’s rejection of that parent (target parent), based not on the child’s own experiences with the rejected parent, but rather as a reflection of the alienating parent’s attitudes.
How does PA affect a child?
The alienating parent’s needs are experienced by the child as more important and urgent than their own. They have to be loyal and devoted, and show they love the alienating parent best of all. Contact with target parent seen as a betrayal. Love becomes conditional, and the child feels they need to reassure the parent. In my experience, children tend to either align themselves with the parent they perceive as being more powerful (materially, emotionally and physically) to try to keep themselves safe, loved and validated, or, sensing the emotional vulnerability of the alienating parent, they take on an inappropriate caretaking role, sometimes feeling they need to step into the shoes once filled by the target parent. Either way, the child can swing from feeling intensely powerless in a painful situation to being powerful in ways that are not appropriate for them as a child.
How PA can affect you and how you can help yourself
PA is very harmful to children and heartbreaking for target parents. The following thoughts are offered as a broader strategy for managing PA.
Children affected by PA often adopt black and white thinking – one parent is seen as all good and the other, all bad. As target parents, we can get stuck in black and white thinking too. Our ex partner is all bad, family members are either all good or all bad, and as a target parent – a victim of PA – we are all good. As mothers apart from children, black and white thinking keeps us stuck. It doesn’t allow for the flexible, resilient attitude needed for us to champion our child’s right to a relationship with both parents. As painful as this might sound, I encourage you to consider the shades of grey in your personal circumstances. Here are some areas to reflect upon:
- Put yourself in your child’s shoes and take an honest reappraisal of the situation. What would they say has happened to your relationship with them? It doesn’t matter if this isn’t the truth of the situation from your perspective. There is no one truth, we all have a different view and experience of the world. Look for any grains of truth that could guide you to adjust how you communicate with your child now or in the future.
- Put yourself in your ex partner’s shoes and repeat the above. Even if your behaviour has been exemplary, having an honest look at the world from his viewpoint might guide you towards a different approach and/or help you to understand and support your child. Remember, this is not about letting him off the hook! Your reflections are about finding peace of mind and trying to build a relationship with your child.
- What has changed over the time you have been separated? As mothers apart, we have a tendency to see our child as the age they were when we last saw them. Their behaviour, beliefs, values will change. How have you changed? For example, are you managing your emotions better now than in the early days after your divorce? Are you happier and stronger? Do you need to communicate your new perspective to your child or your ex?
- How might life be if you weren’t separated from your child? Many families who are not affected by divorce and break up experience long lasting misunderstandings, rifts and estrangements. Most family units are far from perfect and many children either never truly separate from their mother (or father) or pull away completely, in order to separate. A mother’s job – whether you are a mother apart or not – is to let go so your children can come back to you.
Life changes everything and everyone. Failure to acknowledge this results in black and white thinking. If as a target parent you examine any part you had to play, honestly, without beating yourself up for any mistakes, the shades of grey you find can ease your pain and release you from anger.
Tips for communicating with your child if PA is taking place
- Don’t react. It could be your child is being manipulated and is looking for evidence to reject you. Hold the adult place and don’t confuse your child with your ex partner even though they might sound like your ex partner.
- Show empathy and understanding. For example, say “I read somewhere that sometimes children think they can’t love mum and dad once they are divorced, but you don’t have to choose”.
- Agree to disagree. Don’t tell your child that she/he is wrong or doesn’t feel that way. Say you will agree to disagree and move the conversation on.
- Being in the moment. Resist the desire to ask questions about your child’s life with your ex partner or continually ask how she/he is feeling. Focus on your time with your child. Be in the present. Have fun.
- Talk about memories. Remind child of past happy times, show photos. Reminisce and repeat and build upon good times together.
- Just love your child, even though you feel rejected and your child’s behaviour might be difficult for you to manage. Let them know you will always love them no matter what.
I wish you comfort and joy – you deserve nothing less.
As Mother’s Day approaches, the media, shops, restaurants and florists would have us believe that if we are not indulged by our children, we are losers. If children forget or choose not to treat their mother, they are selfish and uncaring. How easy it is for us to fall for this myth!
Thankfully, we can choose to see 3 April differently.
This Sunday is a day like any other. Just like any other day, we can see it as a chance for a new beginning, to embrace spontaneity, to do something that will make us stretch and grow or prioritise nurturing and pampering ourselves. We can ignore the media hype and decide to spend it doing whatever it is that makes us happy.
Realising how much pressure and power Mother’s Day foists on to our children, we can choose remove ourselves emotionally from the false belief that to be remembered on this day is a measure of our self worth. You will not cease to be valuable, lovable or worthy if your children forget Mother’s Day or reject you.
Expecting mothers to give children all of the nurturing, guidance and self belief a person needs throughout life, is a myth. It is never too late to receive love, mentoring and support from any number of strong mother figures around us. Do you have enough wise, insightful and loyal ‘surrogate mothers’ to sustain you? It helps us when we acknowledge that this is true for our children too. Motherhood is not a competition. As we and our children change and grow, we can receive mothering from many different people at different stages in life. Understanding this can help us feel less urgent and worried if we don’t have contact with our children at this moment in time.
Whatever you do on Sunday remember this: We can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nurture and love ourselves. We can accept ourselves with all our faults, strengths, thoughts and feelings. We are the best thing we have got going in life. Believe this – it makes Mother’s Day and all other days much easier and a lot more fun.
Take good care of yourself.
Warmly,
Sarah
There has been some confusion about the exact date of ‘Blue Monday’ this year but some say that Monday, 24 January, was officially the most depressing day of the year in Britain. Apparently, foul weather, debt, failed resolutions and a lack of motivation conspire to make it the most anxiety provoking of the year. As worry is a topic which is often discussed in my work with mothers apart from their children, I thought I would write about ways to manage it.
One of the worst things about worry is the way it seems to take over our lives. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our head we are unable to solve our problems. It can paralyze thinking and activity. Some of us are habitual worriers and have worried for years, sometimes having learnt how to be a worrier from our parents. For others, the act of worrying has crept into our lives when we became mothers apart from our children.
Whether you are a seasoned worrier or struggle with anxiety provoking thoughts from time to time, here are some home truths about worry:
- Worry is a state of apprehension from anticipating a real or imaginary threatening event. It is therefore possible to put yourself through very distressing imaginings about something that will not happen. Worrying, obsessing and trying to control, are illusions – tricks we play on ourselves. We like to think this behaviour is solving our problems but it is not.
- Many people are superstitious about worry, believing that worrying will prevent something bad from happening. Just like managing guilt so that we can make ourselves happy as mothers apart, it is important to manage superstitious thoughts that tell us that feeling peaceful and calm is bound to make something bad happen.
- Most worriers would like to be completely free of anxiety immediately. Trying to change habits takes time. Like adjusting to living apart from your child, the trick is to take things easy, lower your sights and aim to manage worry.
Three tips for managing worry:
Organise worry. Set aside a time of the day to methodically review your worries. If a worry shows up before or after your worry time, write it down on your worry list for later. Choose a certain time of day and a place for worrying. Avoid your bed as it should always be associated with your peaceful haven. My clients often say, “I can’t do that, I don’t have control”- but think for a moment about how many times you worry and are interrupted by the phone or some other distraction. This means that you do set worries aside without realising it. You can learn to put aside a worry and get on with living your life in the here and now. You will also notice that a worry that felt strong at 10am has shrunk in significance by a worry time of say, 4pm. Aim to reduce your worry time from ten minutes to five, to two minutes per day. If you begin to make a joke of your new worry time habit with other people, then so much the better.
Focus on solving the problem if it is in your control, not your “what if…?” thoughts. What precisely is the problem or goal? List all possible solutions. Asses the main advantages and disadvantages of each one. Choose the most practical solution, the one that will most easily begin to solve the problem. Plan steps to carry out the best solution, listing the resources needed and pitfalls to overcome. Review progress and remember focus on what you have achieved first, before what is still to be overcome.
Write a personalised Worry First Aid Card. Keep some worry reducing reminders in your handbag and read when necessary. Here are some suggestions:
“I know that thinking about future bad events make me anxious but I can cope with these feelings and I don’t have to exaggerate things by dwelling on these thoughts.”
“I can choose to act in a way that is in direct conflict with my worry. I can face my fears.”
“I can take constructive steps to solve problems and that is as much as anyone can do. I will now think of or do something else.”
Rehearse the statements until they become an automatic response to worry. With practice you will experience fewer and shorter spells of worry.
As ever and especially when you are feeling worried and anxious, take outrageously good care of yourself. Get outside for some exercise, eat mindfully, treat and pamper yourself and make sure you get enough sleep.
Until next time,
Warmly
Sarah
Top tips to see you through the Christmas period…
Don’t fall for the hype
It is easy to feel the pressure to buy and consume more than we can afford or need at this time of year. Remember that you have a choice. We can also succumb to the hard sell that convinces us that everyone else is having a wonderful, happy, family orientated time. The reality is that Christmas is stressful for most people, with or without their children.
Someone else’s rejection of you does not make you worthless
If your children cannot or refuse to be with you over Christmas or New Year, try to separate their decision or the circumstances from your sense of self esteem. Rejection does not mean you are wrong, bad or unworthy – it is someone else’s decision or choice at this point in time. Love your child from afar. Love them in spite of their rejection. Love them and take extremely good care of yourself because you are worth it.
Take excellent care of yourself
Take physical exercise to lower adrenaline and cortisol levels which keep us over stimulated and unable to sleep during stressful times. Even a short outing will help but better still, a walk in nature, the park or wood will help lift your spirits. Observe your surroundings. Blue Tits are searching for nest sites already – you too can look forward to the Spring. Indulge your senses. Treat yourself to scented candles, fragrant warm baths, soft towels, warming drinks, tasty food, calming music or when the mood takes you, a bit of a dance in your living room. Sleep is much underrated. We need sleep to heal and grow. Make your bedroom a comfortable, safe haven and take yourself to bed at a regular, reasonable time.
Let go of competitive feelings
You will always be your children’s mother. No one can take this away from you so relax into your status as their mother. Remain as constant as you can. We are in this for the long haul. Love and let go of competition. There is enough love to go around. If your ex or his new partner behaves competitively, remember that this about a drive within them and not about you. Do your best to detach from their behaviour and keep your focus on what is important – loving your children.
Watch out for perfectionism
Perfectionism undermines you and can be hard to spot. It pretends that it’s only trying to do a good job but secretly it feeds on telling us that whatever we are, whatever we do just isn’t good enough. Christmas day, the presents you have chosen, your children’s behaviour, your mood, the food, the weather and so on does not have to be perfect. A relaxed, peaceful happy you is far more beneficial to others and much better for your health and wellbeing.
You are enough
Whoever you are, whatever you look like, whatever you feel is ok and enough. You do not have to be Supermother – it would be dreadful if you were! Supermother would need to have Superchild – far too much pressure for you both. Focus instead on being and becoming more of who you are, the real essence of you. Tell yourself, “I am loving and lovable”, out loud in the mirror. Smile at yourself because it is true. Go and do it right now and do so every day over the holiday period and into 2011. Believe that you are enough, just as you are.
In my work with mothers living apart from their children the theme of forgiveness occurs often. Sometimes a woman is resistant to forgiving herself for a perceived or real upset or injury caused to others, particularly her children. Other times it is related to not being able to forgive others including ex-partners, new wives, CAFCASS and the family court system for the hurt and loss she feels.
Quite often, women struggle with both forgiving themselves and forgiving others, which when you take a closer look, makes sense. If we are not able to grasp what longing to be forgiven does to us and apply our understanding to change how we view our circumstances and actions, it is difficult to look beyond our viewpoint to gauge the cost to ourselves of harbouring resentments towards others.
In my book, A Mother Apart, I write about longing to be forgiven for something we did or did not do – “I should have left sooner, stayed longer, been less naive or less angry”, we say with remorse. I have observed that mothers living apart from their children, whether they have no contact or co-parent, are susceptible to expecting very high standards of themselves, feeling they should be ‘perfect’ mothers. They have the ability to turn a blind eye to the stress they were under at the time of separation and divorce – pressure from other people and a lack of physical and emotional resources – especially if separation from their child was linked to their need to move on and develop personally. Being truthful about the full circumstances of our separation is very important but only part of what needs to be done to move forward. We need to consciously put an end to the ways we punish ourselves too.
Let us turn to forgiveness of others for a moment. A mother apart might say, “I just cannot forgive him/her/them for doing that to my child/me. They should not be allowed to get away with it!” Now, I am the first to understand their anger and resentment and believe it is vital to express this. However there comes a time when holding on to an offence or injustice whether intended or a mistake, comes at too high a price. Research shows that those who hold on to resentments are more likely to suffer high blood pressure, clinical depression and other health problems than those able to forgive.
Hanging on to umbrage and indignation about the wrongs of others towards you keeps you firmly stuck in the past. Yearning to be forgiven by others stops you from being in the present and gets in the way of you shaping up and creating your future.
Actor Lily Tomlin said; “Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past”, and I think this sums it up well. I would also add that forgiveness is also giving up all hope for retribution or revenge. Nothing that has happened in the past can be undone – we simply do not have the power to do this.
A lack of forgiveness of oneself or others blocks hope and the ability to move on. It leaves you feeling helpless and powerless. So, ask yourself:
- If I feel bad about living apart from my child, how can I help myself to explore and acknowledge the truth about my circumstances without unfairly judging myself? For example, you could try writing your story and sharing and reality checking it with a trusted friend.
- What action can I take to gently lead myself away from repeatedly thinking that I must be forgiven? Am I perhaps turning someone’s rejection of me (perhaps my child or the family court system) in on myself, making myself feel guilty and remorseful instead of grieving my loss?
- What can I do to support myself to avoid ruminating over how I think others have wronged me? Remember, you are the one who suffers if you continually run past events over in your mind.
If you feel stuck with trying to cope with resentment, remorse or any other difficult feelings, please find professional help for yourself.
Until next time, take excellent care of yourself.
I was very moved and inspired by an article I read in The Guardian Weekend magazine’s, Experience column on Saturday (17 July) and I thought I would share it with you.
It was written by a young woman called Michele Gorman and entitled, ‘I’m proud my mother left me’
I do know how hard it can be to read articles with a mother living apart from her child theme but I found this one full of hope. Michele shows enormous insight and understanding into what we will understand as the extremely difficult decision to leave our children in the family home when our marriage/relationship breaks down. Please don’t let the title, ‘I’m proud my mother left me’ put you off of reading it, as half way through Michele writes:
“The message was consistent, and clear. She wasn’t leaving us. She was leaving her husband. We had the choice to go with my mother. We chose not to. My mother’s new place would be just three miles away but I wanted my friends around me, and the familiarity of the home I’d grown up in. Besides, on a practical level, I didn’t see how the school bus would know where to find me if I moved. (I’d had similar concerns about Father Christmas years earlier when we went to my grandma’s for Christmas Eve.) My mother must have been devastated by our choice, and overwhelmed at the enormity of what she was doing.”
Although heartbreaking, Michele’s childhood worry about the school bus and Father Christmas can help us to see that a child’s ‘choice’ to stay in the home is not personal but makes perfect sense when you are eleven years old. That said, I totally understand how rejecting these ‘choices’ can be and gently suggest that all mothers apart find ways and help when necessary, to look after their own feelings and keep their hearts open to their child and her/his ‘choice’ at the same time.
Michele acknowledges her own pain and that of her sister but mostly she writes about her mother’s decision as being courageous act. It is very clear that despite living apart she is very close to her mother who has become an inspiring role model to her because of her decision to leave the family home. She ends the article as follows:
“She became a stronger person because she was brave enough to leave. My sister and I grew up on many mantras from my mother but I think the most important is: if you don’t like something about your situation, see how you can change it. She taught me that it’s better to be judged by others as unconventional than to judge yourself a coward.”
Some points you might like to ponder upon:
- Children can see and gradually understand things from perspectives which we might find surprising. What messages or mantras do you give your children? Even if we have little or no contact at the moment, children are capable of seeing that you have tried even if they are angry or align themselves with their resident parent.
- Consider Michele’s mother’s mantra: if you don’t like something about your situation, see how you can change it. Are you ready to make any changes to boost your happiness and find peace of mind?
- Never give up hope. Time is a great healer. Two clichés but oh SO true! Find ways to support yourself to keep your heart and door open.
Please take outrageously good care of yourself.
Who I am is what I have to give. Quite simply, I must remember that’s enough.
Anne Wilson Schaef
Reading about loss and grief of bereaved parents recently, I came across the research of Miles and Demi* who categorised five types of guilt that bereaved parents may experience. I was struck by how these five types mirror the feelings of mothers apart.
The first is cultural guilt. Society expects parents to be guardians of their children and take care of them. Not to be in a position to do so affronts this social expectation. Causal guilt is the second type – a parent feels responsible for the death of their child through real or perceived negligence. Moral guilt is when a parent feels that their loss was due to a moral wrongdoing in their present or earlier life, like a terminated pregnancy. Survival guilt occurs when a parent agonises, “Why did my child die and I am still alive?” Finally, there’s recovery guilt. As a parent begins to move through their grief and get on with their lives they feel like that they are dishonouring their child and that society judges them.
Some mothers apart have experienced the isolating agony of actual bereavement, some the living bereavement of separation whilst others still, know the despair of both. Understanding that feelings of guilt connected to loss are multi-layered and broad reaching can help us find positive ways of facing up to and moving on from unhealthy beliefs and assumptions about guilt.
As a counsellor who works with mothers apart from their children, I hear a lot about guilt. Many women persecute themselves believing they are at fault. “If only I hadn’t done such and such…” or “I feel to blame because I said or didn’t say this or that”. We feel we have let our children down. That who we are and the degree to which we can mother from afar isn’t enough.
Here are some tips to help you challenge and assess any guilt you may feel:
- Understand the function of guilt. Guilt lets us know then our conscious is operating. It acts as our internal barometer and it can guide us to face up to reality, find solutions to problems, make amends, to right a wrong.
- Take courage and face your sense of guilt head on. Talk your feelings through with someone you trust to assess your level of responsibility. Reality check your guilt. In my experience, mothers apart from children blame themselves, forgetting that it takes two to make or break a relationship – whether that be an ex partner or an adult child. If you are a victim of PAS make sure you accept deep down, that it is not your fault.
- Be aware of self punishing behaviour. To decide to end a marriage is a life choice, not an unforgivable sin. We make some choices and others are made for us. Sometimes we think we made a choice when the reality is that there were very few options open to us at the time – we didn’t have the information, insight, strength or resources. If you left an abusive relationship, thank goodness you got out, you survived.
- When appropriate, make amends but be mindful. Amends shouldn’t be made when prompted by fear, because of what others think or to try to manipulate. Check the appropriateness of making amends and what you say, particularly to children. Get a balanced view from a trusted person first.
- Take courage and examine your guilt. Is it masking other feelings such as anger or making you avoid other emotions, like grief and loss. Please get professional help if you need it. Feel free to call or e-mail me to discuss how I could help and support you through telephone counselling. Failure to resolve guilty feelings can lead to depression, feeling stuck and relationship problems.
If I had a magic wand to take away the guilt of mothers apart from children I would wave it straight away. As I don’t, please tell yourself the following on a regular basis: “I cannot make up for something I think I haven’t done or have done wrong by making myself feel guilty.”
Take good care of yourself.
*Miles, M. S., & Demi, A comparison of guilt in bereaved parents whose children died by suicide, accident or chronic disease, Omega (1991)
For mothers living apart from their children, one of the hardest things about Mother’s Day is it’s inevitability. It comes without fail, every year, on a Sunday when most of us don’t have to work and at a time of year when spring hasn’t been here long enough to lift any winter blues we might be experiencing.
Mother’s day can feel inescapable, unavoidable – another ‘should’ day. The society we live in makes us believe that we should be spoilt by our children, that we’re not a worthy mother unless they do. Retailers and restaurants make us feel like we should have money spent on us – flowers, chocolates, Sunday lunch – and that the amount our children (and husband) spend on us, is equal to the amount we are loved by them.
As mothers apart our ‘should’ day might translate to: Our ex or child’s carer should make sure that she/he spends the day with us, our child should give us a present or at the very least, buy or make us a card. Our child should make a fuss of us or be civil to us or, in some cases, should at least speak to us.
When we focus on what should happen we shift the emphasis from ourselves to external factors. We hand over our power to other people. Our happiness is dependent on other peoples’ moods and behaviour.
If you feel you’re heading for a ‘should’ day, how about making this Mother’s Day a ‘could’ day?
A ‘could’ day is one of possibility, a time for you to choose what you do how you do it and with whom (if anyone) you decide to share it with.
Start by reminding yourself that none of us has control over anyone else and that includes our children. We cannot force our child to stay with us this weekend or visit us on Sunday. We cannot make them phone, text, chat to or email us.
Then think about what you could do on Sunday. Here are some ‘I coulds’ to get you thinking or planning:
I could…
plan something in advance so that I know exactly what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, what I’m going to wear and what I’m going to eat on Mother’s day. I could also plan to change my mind, if I felt like it.
I could…
wake up on Mother’s Day and be completely spontaneous and give myself permission to do anything I feel like, taking each moment as it comes.
I could…
go shopping for my spring/summer wardrobe. Whether I buy a pair of killer heels or soft, leather sandals, a flowing dress, harem trousers or sharp tailoring, I will buy what pleases me and makes me feel great.
I could…
ask someone who cares about me to give me a hug and hold me until I want to let go.
I could…
make a delicious meal and eat it slowly and savour every bite.
I could…
go to a park or for a country stroll and see the new growth – daffodils, crocus and wood anemones – or ride a bike along a canal tow path or a walk on a beach.
I could…
allow myself to cry freely without fear or judgement, without listening to any critical internal voice that says “Don’t be self pitying”, or “You don’t deserve any better”, and then make myself a warm drink and sit quietly until I feel calm again. (One condition for this one: Please think about getting some counselling if you are frightened by your feelings or if you know that you are very judgemental of yourself).
I could…
plan a duvet day with a good book or the Sunday papers or a pile of magazines or all three.
I could…
just for today, let others be themselves, make their own choices, knowing that they are on their own life journey.
I could…
light a candle to symbolise the fact that I am a mother, a rite of passage that no one can take away from me.
Mother’s day is for mothers. Please remember that you are a mother whether or not you’re in contact with your child, no matter what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future.
Whatever you decide to do, please bear in mind that Mother’s Day will pass, like all days.
I hope that a ‘should’ day becomes a ‘could’ day for you.
Wishing you serenity and joy this spring.
Knowing that Christmas and the no man’s land between the 24th December and New Year can be a difficult time for mothers living apart from their children, I’d like to share a few thoughts and coping strategies with you.
Listen to what you really need
Whatever is happening around you, whether it’s busy, too quiet, whether you’re feeling stressed or lonely – try taking some time to be still for a while. Sit and breathe steadily, close your eyes and relax your body. Be aware of any feelings of loss, hurt, anger or other mixed feelings. Ask the part of yourself who takes care of you – your inner wise woman – this question:
“What is the best Christmas present I can give myself?”
Try not to analyse or think to hard about it – listen for an instinctive response.
Perhaps you need to keep busy and involve yourself in helping other people.
Maybe you need time to be out nature, taking in the fresh air – alone or with others.
It could be that the best gift is to pamper yourself in a warm, fragrant bath by candlelight and with soothing music. Or maybe curl up on the sofa with a good book and a box of chocolates.
What you need in the morning might not be what you need at night. There is no wrong or right. Try to release yourself from shoulds and oughts. Trust yourself to know what you need.
If you’re not in contact with your child
If you don’t have contact with your child right now, why not try a symbolic act of remembering her or him and more importantly, to acknowledge the fact that you are the mother of your child? You could light a candle, release some sky lanterns or a helium balloon. Creating and adding to a memory box – a card or memento – can feel painful but try to assure yourself that your tears and painful feelings will pass. The release and sense of being ‘real’ and connected can help you feel better than trying to forget or deny your loss. Above all, be gentle with yourself. All we have is the moment we live in. Painful moments pass and no one knows what the future holds.
If you are in contact with your child
If you have contact with your child this Christmas, why not make a conscious effort to remember ‘good enough’ mothering. This holds true even if some of your children life permanently with you. Over compensating is a trap for mothers apart, whether their children are young or adults. Forget perfection, it doesn’t exist. At this time of giving, remind yourself to give ‘just enough’ – not too little but not too much either. This is goes for both material exchanges (presents) and emotional exchanges. Don’t be driven by guilty feelings to do or give too much. Check in with yourself: Does this feel reasonable? At what point would it start to feel unreasonable to me? Am I trying to buy love or forgiveness? Where is my ‘resentment figure’?
Just love them
No matter how hard your relationship with your child feels right now – just love them – whether they are near or far. Just love them. By so doing, you affirm your status of mother within yourself. ‘Just loving them’ can be a very powerful action as nobody can deny you your ability to love and ultimately, by allowing love to fill our hearts we expand our capacity to love others. You never lose what you give to love.
Wishing you serenity and peace this Christmas time,
Sarah
Sarah Hart 
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