Moral support mothers apart on Mother’s Day

As Mother’s Day approaches, the media, shops, restaurants and florists would have us believe that if we are not indulged by our children, we are losers. If children forget or choose not to treat their mother, they are selfish and uncaring. How easy it is for us to fall for this myth!

Thankfully, we can choose to see 3 April differently.

This Sunday is a day like any other. Just like any other day, we can see it as a chance for a new beginning, to embrace spontaneity, to do something that will make us stretch and grow or prioritise nurturing and pampering ourselves. We can ignore the media hype and decide to spend it doing whatever it is that makes us happy.

Realising how much pressure and power Mother’s Day foists on to our children, we can choose remove ourselves emotionally from the false belief that to be remembered on this day is a measure of our self worth.  You will not cease to be valuable, lovable or worthy if your children forget Mother’s Day or reject you.

Expecting mothers to give children all of the nurturing, guidance and self belief a person needs throughout life, is a myth. It is never too late to receive love, mentoring and support from any number of strong mother figures around us. Do you have enough wise, insightful and loyal ‘surrogate mothers’ to sustain you?   It helps us when we acknowledge that this is true for our children too. Motherhood is not a competition. As we and our children change and grow, we can receive mothering from many different people at different stages in life. Understanding this can help us feel less urgent and worried if we don’t have contact with our children at this moment in time.

Whatever you do on Sunday remember this: We can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nurture and love ourselves. We can accept ourselves with all our faults, strengths, thoughts and feelings. We are the best thing we have got going in life. Believe this – it makes Mother’s Day and all other days much easier and a lot more fun.

Take good care of yourself.

Warmly,

Sarah

Managing worry as a mother apart from a child

There has been some confusion about the exact date of ‘Blue Monday’ this year but some say that Monday, 24 January, was officially the most depressing day of the year in Britain. Apparently, foul weather, debt, failed resolutions and a lack of motivation conspire to make it the most anxiety provoking of the year. As worry is a topic which is often discussed in my work with mothers apart from their children, I thought I would write about ways to manage it.

One of the worst things about worry is the way it seems to take over our lives. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our head we are unable to solve our problems. It can paralyze thinking and activity. Some of us are habitual worriers and have worried for years, sometimes having learnt how to be a worrier from our parents. For others, the act of worrying has crept into our lives when we became mothers apart from our children.

Whether you are a seasoned worrier or struggle with anxiety provoking thoughts from time to time, here are some home truths about worry:

• Worry is a state of apprehension from anticipating a real or imaginary threatening event. It is therefore possible to put yourself through very distressing imaginings about something that will not happen. Worrying, obsessing and trying to control, are illusions – tricks we play on ourselves. We like to think this behaviour is solving our problems but it is not.

• Many people are superstitious about worry, believing that worrying will prevent something bad from happening. Just like managing guilt so that we can make ourselves happy as mothers apart, it is important to manage superstitious thoughts that tell us that feeling peaceful and calm is bound to make something bad happen.

• Most worriers would like to be completely free of anxiety immediately. Trying to change habits takes time. Like adjusting to living apart from your child, the trick is to take things easy, lower your sights and aim to manage worry.

Three tips for managing worry:

Organise worry. Set aside a time of the day to methodically review your worries. If a worry shows up before or after your worry time, write it down on your worry list for later. Choose a certain time of day and a place for worrying. Avoid your bed as it should always be associated with your peaceful haven.  My clients often say, “I can’t do that, I don’t have control”- but think for a moment about how many times you worry and are interrupted by the phone or some other distraction. This means that you do set worries aside without realising it. You can learn to put aside a worry and get on with living your life in the here and now. You will also notice that a worry that felt strong at 10am has shrunk in significance by a worry time of say, 4pm. Aim to reduce your worry time from ten minutes to five, to two minutes per day. If you begin to make a joke of your new worry time habit with other people, then so much the better.

Focus on solving the problem if it is in your control, not your “what if…?” thoughts. What precisely is the problem or goal? List all possible solutions. Asses the main advantages and disadvantages of each one. Choose the most practical solution, the one that will most easily begin to solve the problem. Plan steps to carry out the best solution, listing the resources needed and pitfalls to overcome. Review progress and remember focus on what you have achieved first, before what is still to be overcome.

Write a personalised Worry First Aid Card. Keep some worry reducing reminders in your handbag and read when necessary. Here are some suggestions:

“I know that thinking about future bad events make me anxious but I can cope with these feelings and I don’t have to exaggerate things by dwelling on these thoughts.”

“I can choose to act in a way that is in direct conflict with my worry. I can face my fears.”

“I can take constructive steps to solve problems and that is as much as anyone can do. I will now think of or do something else.”

Rehearse the statements until they become an automatic response to worry. With practice you will experience fewer and shorter spells of worry.

As ever and especially when you are feeling worried and anxious, take outrageously good care of yourself. Get outside for some exercise, eat mindfully, treat and pamper yourself and make sure you get enough sleep.

Until next time,

Warmly

Sarah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top tips for mothers apart from children at Christmas

Top tips to see you through the Christmas period…

Don’t fall for the hype

It is easy to feel the pressure to buy and consume more than we can afford or need at this time of year. Remember that you have a choice. We can also succumb to the hard sell that convinces us that everyone else is having a wonderful, happy, family orientated time. The reality is that Christmas is stressful for most people, with or without their children.

Someone else’s rejection of you does not make you worthless

If your children cannot or refuse to be with you over Christmas or New Year, try to separate their decision or the circumstances from your sense of self esteem. Rejection does not mean you are wrong, bad or unworthy – it is someone else’s decision or choice at this point in time. Love your child from afar. Love them in spite of their rejection. Love them and take extremely good care of yourself because you are worth it.

Take excellent care of yourself

Take physical exercise to lower adrenaline and cortisol levels which keep us over stimulated and unable to sleep during stressful times. Even a short outing will help but better still, a walk in nature, the park or wood will help lift your spirits. Observe your surroundings. Blue Tits are searching for nest sites already – you too can look forward to the Spring. Indulge your senses. Treat yourself to scented candles, fragrant warm baths, soft towels, warming drinks, tasty food, calming music or when the mood takes you, a bit of a dance in your living room. Sleep is much underrated. We need sleep to heal and grow. Make your bedroom a comfortable, safe haven and take yourself to bed at a regular, reasonable time.

Let go of competitive feelings

You will always be your children’s mother. No one can take this away from you so relax into your status as their mother. Remain as constant as you can. We are in this for the long haul. Love and let go of competition. There is enough love to go around. If your ex or his new partner behaves competitively, remember that this about a drive within them and not about you. Do your best to detach from their behaviour and keep your focus on what is important – loving your children.

Watch out for perfectionism

Perfectionism undermines you and can be hard to spot. It pretends that it’s only trying to do a good job but secretly it feeds on telling us that whatever we are, whatever we do just isn’t good enough. Christmas day, the presents you have chosen, your children’s behaviour, your mood, the food, the weather and so on does not have to be perfect. A relaxed, peaceful happy you is far more beneficial to others and much better for your health and wellbeing.

You are enough

Whoever you are, whatever you look like, whatever you feel is ok and enough. You do not have to be Supermother – it would be dreadful if you were! Supermother would need to have Superchild – far too much pressure for you both. Focus instead on being and becoming more of who you are, the real essence of you. Tell yourself, “I am loving and lovable”, out loud in the mirror. Smile at yourself because it is true. Go and do it right now and do so every day over the holiday period and into 2011. Believe that you are enough, just as you are.

My interview on BBC4 Woman’s Hour – How do we view women who leave their children?

I thought you might be interested to know that I took part in a discussion on BBC Radio 4 Woman’s Hour yesterday, 17 May. The topic of the conversation was: How do we view women who leave their children? Jane Garvey also interviewed novelist Jane Rusbridge, once a mother apart herself, for the piece. We covered a lot more ground than the title and I’m amazed that the producer managed to trim over half an hour of the very lively discussion we pre-recorded into 11 minutes! If you missed it and would like to listen, click on the link below.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00sbvvr

The interview starts 1:21 into the programme with my contribution starting at 5:23.

How to win by losing tennis – for mothers apart from children

In all the excitement at Wimbledon these past couple of weeks (thanks to Andy Murray for giving it his all), I’ve been reminded of how easy it is to get locked into playing emotional ball games.  Perhaps you’re familiar with backwards and forwards, to-ing and fro-ing behaviour with someone else that usually involves a provocation, an insult or a sarcastic jibe.  For example, your knee jerk response – which you later regret – to:

• An unnecessarily rude text from your ex partner following a misunderstanding about when you were supposed to take your child to his house.
• Your child calling her stepmother, “Mum/Mom”.
• A work colleague exclaiming “How could she!” on hearing that a woman in finance left her family home to be with another man.
• Your father’s sarcastic comment about the long grass and weeds in your garden

and so on.

How to lose the game but win the match

If you’re aware of finding yourself playing emotional ball with someone, why not try the following 5 steps to lose the game but win the match:

1. Imagine you’re in Centre Court.  Face your challenger head on.  Pause and breathe.  Observe their stance – what does it tell you?  Is there a deliberate intent to cause hurt or maliciousness?  Are they hitting out through ignorance, lack of experience or because they’re too young to know better (your child perhaps).
2. Watch the provoking behaviour or comment – coming towards you.  Use your mind to slow it down and roll words up into a manageable tennis ball size.
3. Stand still and relaxed in your half of the court.
4. See the ball fly past your left or right side.
5. Turn and leave the court in a dignified manner.  Without a word, calmly walk away.  Be prepared for a possible barrage of balls as sometimes opponents don’t like it when you stop playing the game.  Remember, even saying, “I’m not going to play ball”, is playing ball.

 What to do if you’ve already returned the ball:

1. It’s never too late to stop playing even the longest running emotional ball game.  If you stop, your challenger will eventually give up when you’re no longer willing to play.
2. Sit quietly and close your eyes.
3. In your mind, press the Hawk-Eye button for an action replay.
4. Then follow steps 3 to 5 above.

Remember that practice makes perfect so do keep at it throughout the year.  Finally, there isn’t any prize money for the winner – there’s something much more valuable and long lasting than £850 000:  the priceless emotional, physical and spiritual reward of calm, dignity and peace of mind.

 

Until next time, take care.

Warmly,

Sarah

Mothers apart from children facing and challenging guilt

Who I am is what I have to give.  Quite simply, I must remember that’s enough.

                                                                        Anne Wilson Schaef

Reading about loss and grief of bereaved parents recently, I came across the research of Miles and Demi* who categorised five types of guilt that bereaved parents may experience. I was struck by how these five types mirror the feelings of mothers apart.  

The first is cultural guilt.  Society expects parents to be guardians of their children and take care of them.  Not to be in a position to do so affronts this social expectation. Causal guilt is the second type – a parent feels responsible for the death of their child through real or perceived negligence.  Moral guilt is when a parent feels that their loss was due to a moral wrongdoing in their present or earlier life, like a terminated pregnancy.  Survival guilt occurs when a parent agonises, “Why did my child die and I am still alive?” Finally, there’s recovery guilt.  As a parent begins to move through their grief and get on with their lives they feel like that they are dishonouring their child and that society judges them.

Some mothers apart have experienced the isolating agony of actual bereavement, some the living bereavement of separation whilst others still, know the despair of both.  Understanding that feelings of guilt connected to loss are multi-layered and broad reaching can help us find positive ways of facing up to and moving on from unhealthy beliefs and assumptions about guilt. 

As a counsellor who works with mothers apart from their children, I hear a lot about guilt.  Many women persecute themselves believing they are at fault. “If only I hadn’t done such and such…” or “I feel to blame because I said or didn’t say this or that”.  We feel we have let our children down.  That who we are and the degree to which we can mother from afar isn’t enough.

Here are some tips to help you challenge and assess any guilt you may feel:

• Understand the function of guilt.  Guilt lets us know then our conscious is operating.  It acts as our internal barometer and it can guide us to face up to reality, find solutions to problems, make amends, to right a wrong.
• Take courage and face your sense of guilt head on.  Talk your feelings through with someone you trust to assess your level of responsibility.  Reality check your guilt.  In my experience, mothers apart from children blame themselves, forgetting that it takes two to make or break a relationship – whether that be an ex partner or an adult child. If you are a victim of PAS make sure you accept deep down, that it is not your fault.
• Be aware of self punishing behaviour.  To decide to end a marriage is a life choice, not an unforgivable sin.  We make some choices and others are made for us.  Sometimes we think we made a choice when the reality is that there were very few options open to us at the time – we didn’t have the information, insight, strength or resources.  If you left an abusive relationship, thank goodness you got out, you survived.
• When appropriate, make amends but be mindful.  Amends shouldn’t be made when prompted by fear, because of what others think or to try to manipulate.  Check the appropriateness of making amends and what you say, particularly to children.  Get a balanced view from a trusted person first.
• Take courage and examine your guilt.  Is it masking other feelings such as anger or making you avoid other emotions, like grief and loss.  Please get professional help if you need it.  Feel free to call or e-mail me to discuss how I could help and support you through telephone counselling.  Failure to resolve guilty feelings can lead to depression, feeling stuck and relationship problems.

If I had a magic wand to take away the guilt of mothers apart from children I would wave it straight away.  As I don’t, please tell yourself the following on a regular basis:  “I cannot make up for something I think I haven’t done or have done wrong by making myself feel guilty.”

Take good care of yourself.

*Miles, M. S., & Demi, A comparison of guilt in bereaved parents whose children died by suicide, accident or chronic disease, Omega (1991)

Time and hope are my friends

A woman who lives apart from her children, told me recently that time and hope are her friends.  Prevented from having contact with her children by her ex, this courageous mother does everything in her power to stay in contact from a distance, despite a hostile reception.

 

As a mother apart, perhaps you’ve had experience of someone saying, “I don’t know how you cope!”  I can remember the shocked response of some people when I told them that my daughter lived in South Africa with her father.   A few said that they’d never agree to such an arrangement or be able deal with it.  Of course, we can all have this kind of reaction to a lot of difficult situations and hardships that life throws at us.  From the outside looking in, we imagine we’d collapse under the burden of loss, disability, violence, injustice, discrimination, not knowing and untruths  – but quite incredibly, many people who face  all kinds of suffering are able to draw on an inner strength in order to cope.

 

As mothers living apart from our children we are called upon to face up to and manage particularly painful and complex challenges:  the loss of everyday motherhood in a society that stigmatises and stereotypes us unnatural, unfit or abandoning, at times.

 

Knowing that we aren’t the only one, that we don’t need to chastise ourselves, drown in guilt, hide our status in shame will help us heal damaged self-esteem and gain confidence as women who live apart from our children.  Being a mother isn’t a job, it’s part of our identity and in that sense, we are and always will be mother to our children.   Accepting this can help ease our urgency and pain.  Motherhood is forever and we are in it for the long haul.  If the relationship between you and your children is difficult, long distance or non-existent, please hold on… intently but lightly.  We don’t know what the future holds.  Please pace yourself and know that time and hope are your friends too.

Mothers apart from children believing they are to blame

 

My daughter, her husband and my little grand daughter have now gone back to their home in South Africa, after spending a wonderful holiday with us.  It rained for most of the time when they were here but it didn’t matter too much.  I’m sure that many mothers apart will know that it’s the little things – the incidental, funny, silly, spontaneous moments that you gather up into your internal memory chest to savour over, months and years later, when you’re in the bath or on a walk..rather than perfect days out.

 

Shortly after they left, I gave a talk at the MATCH (mothers who live apart from their children) AGM.  It was a wonderful experience for me.  The best thing about being in a group of mothers apart is that you can relax and be very real, without fear of judgement.  One of the things I spoke about was the common challenge most mothers apart face, the automatic response of thinking we are to blame.  For example, if your child isn’t doing well at school – you tell yourself it’s because you’re not a full time mum, if your child is fearful or anxious – it’s because you left the family home, if your adult child appears grumpy or angry – it must be because of the damage she received, growing up apart from you.  The list of our overarching responsibility for most things negative our children appear to struggle with or suffer, is endless. 

 

Telling ourselves it’s our fault keeps us feeling guilty, bad and sad.  It doesn’t serve anybody if we are burdened with negative feelings about ourselves.  Feeling over responsible or guilty won’t turn back the clock or make amends when they are due.  The way forward for everyone’s sake is to reality check the situation from a position of neutrality, not high emotion. Calm yourself – take time out. Assume nothing.  Ask what you could do to help your child at school, try to find out the cause of your child’s anxiety or fear, ask why she or he is appears to be grumpy.  Even if you aren’t able to help directly, separating your feelings from those of your child will help you and them.  Each of us has to find our way in the world – however hard our upbringing. No one can live our life for us and learn the lessons of life for us – and that’s true for your child too.

ABC National Radio, Life Matters talk-back on A Mother Apart

At midnight last night I took part in an Australian national radio phone, ABC National Radio, Life Matters (A Mother Apart) on the topic of my book, A Mother Apart and the challenges facing mothers  living apart from their children.  I was rather apprehensive as I was really tired and doing a one hour talk back at midnight with a woolly head isn’t my idea of being on the ball!  Despite not being as coherent as I would have liked (don’t you just love the part of us that likes to point out what we didn’t do so well :o) – I was pleasantly surprised by the presenter, Richard Aedy’s sensitive approach and some really insightful and accepting attitudes from callers talking about their experience.  I spoke about the stigma and stereotype of ‘abandoning’ and ‘unfit mother’ as well as the feelings of guilt and shame that so many mothers apart feel.  We had a couple of dads who were accepting of their ex’s decision to choose to be a non custodial parent.  We also had a few very brave mothers apart who told their stories, including one mum who felt it was in her son’s best interests to live with his father in another country, as this is what he wanted half way through his childhood.  I was really impressed with her open door, open heart attitude.  I was such a good environment to talk about the importance of co-parenting without competing, putting our differences to one side and working at communicating well, for the sake of our children.

 

Part of my weariness is because I’ve been working my socks off to get my work life in order and my home sorted before my daughter arrives from South Africa tomorrow.  I can’t wait to see her, my little 3 year old granddaughter and my son-in-law.  They will be staying with us for three weeks.  I know that I am truly blessed to have the relationship I have with my daughter, despite her having grown up with her father, thousands of miles away.  What’s worked for me has been to stay in touch, to let her know I love her and miss her throughout the years.  We’ve had some difficult moments to be sure!  But amazingly, it’s been those times that have made me stronger.  As hard as they were, I was, over time, able to convert my pain and despair into an energy boost for the mother inside me, renewing my determination to hold on, keep loving no matter what.         

 

So it’s goodbye for a little while.  I’ll be back after my family holiday.  If you are a mother apart, please remember to take outrageously good care of yourself.  You’re no good to anyone else unless you do.  Yes, and I’ll remember to take a dose of my own medicine too!

A mother’s pain: how to cope with living apart from your children on Mother’s Day

This Sunday, 11 May, is Mother’s Day in 62 countries around the world.  Millions of moms will be given cards, treated to breakfast in bed or taken out for lunch.  They will be hugged, kissed, thanked and told how special they are.

 

But for mothers whose children live elsewhere, Mother’s Day is usually the most painful day of the year. 

 

More women than most people realise live apart from their children.  Even today, when amicable separations occur, mothers who don’t live with their children are regarded as at best an oddity – and at worst, unnatural and selfish.  Whatever the reason for separation, living apart from a child can be devastatingly painful. 

 

Mothers apart experience a double whammy. They face the judgement of the outside world, usually the actual responses from the people they come into contact with and what they read and hear in some of the media, and they are also judged by their ‘inner’ world – the negative things they tell themselves.  Negative inner judgement erodes self-esteem and destroys confidence. In particular, mothers apart from their children face the challenge of:

• The loss of everyday motherhood
• Stress, if they are battling with an ex-partner and trying to help children torn between two worlds.
• Guilt, tormenting themselves by taking on too much responsibility.
• Shame if they’ve lost custody – some mothers apart keep their status as a mother a secret to avoid probing questions and possible criticism. 
• Social stigma – it’s still more socially acceptable for men to live apart from their children.

A message for you if you’re a non-custodial mother…

 

Although it might feel like it, know that you’re not alone and it is possible to live a full and happy life and be a loving mother, living apart from your child.  Don’t allow guilt to get in the way of your relationship with your child, a new partner or indeed having another child.  Let go of trying to be a superwoman.   Maintain as much contact with your child as possible, perhaps through a third party.  If you have contact, listen well to your children and be as honest as possible – this is the way to build trust and increase your chances of a good relationship in the long term. 

 

Find the support you need.  Create an understanding support team around you – your friends, family and, should you need one, a counsellor who understands the loss experienced by women separated from their children (see www.amotherapart.com).  Read and do the exercises in my book, ‘A Mother Apart:  How to let go of guilt and find happiness living apart from your child’.

 

Mother’s Day tips for non-custodial moms…

 

Being such a money making occasion, Mother’s Day is difficult to avoid – but you can make things easier by preparing yourself emotionally. 

 

Please make a commitment to take outrageously good care of yourself on Mother’s Day.  In particular,

 

·         Remember, you are and always will be your child’s mother 365 days a year, no matter what has happen in the past, or what might happen in the future. 

·         Remind yourself that giving birth to a child is a huge achievement.  Sit quietly for a while and honour your status as a mother. 

·         Buy yourself some flowers.  Plan a special treat or, better still, ask your partner or a friend to take you out for a springtime walk, a health spa day, a delicious meal or whatever you love doing best!

·         Keep your heart and your door open, you never know what’s around the corner.